the blog manifesto.

the purpose of sme is simply this: to overthrow the capitalist hegemony that has a stranglehold on our beautiful, multiethnic society. contributors are asked to take part in this, our overriding mission, so the people of the green earth can breathe together in the clean air of progressive politics and non-judgmentalism. each blog post must bask in the sunlight of earnest expression, never falling into the trap of satire or parody. our aim is clarity and verisimilitude; our mission is truth and the propagation of it. the blog is the perfect place to post your old family videos, homophobic video blogs, another blog's material, awkward, poorly-drawn sketches, halo reach updates, or unexplained/irrelevant wikipedia articles--sme is home to the entire eclectic conflation that is the internet. if there is one thing entirely intolerable to the editors of sme, it is sarcasm. there is simply no room in this blog for sarcastic, humorous, and reference driven posts. if you are among those responsible for such garbage, please leave.


barnaby jones

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

How to get women of the opposite sex in five easy to do steps that you can do because they are easy to do! 1) First thing you have to is be really good looking. Women love guys that are good looking. If you are a hot and sexy man than you got it made! You might be thinking “hey Chris, I am super ugly-- my mom wanted to abort me because of this” I say to you life isnt fair. Do You think its fair how good looking I am? No. But I am. 2) Be full of knowledge. Women love guys that are full of all sorts of knowledge about things. You have to have two types of knowledge 1. Classical guy knowledge This is knowledge about cars, fixing things around the house, and sports. Tho you talk mostly about this stuff with your guy friends women love guys that don't care about what they care about. 2. Knowledge about the finer things in life Women are sups attracted to guys that know about 1800th century french literature and Italian Renaissance paintings. Read some books and pretend like you know this, lie to them if need be. Yes. Lying works really well with women. 3. Be super jacked. I mean look at me? I am super jacked and do you know how many women I get? Millions. So, don't be a flubby dubby unless you are super rich-which brings me to my next point. 4. BE super rich! Do you know how much poontang wealthy people get? A lot. Women are really really simple creatures. Women are attracted to money like flies are to shinny things.. Its science 5. Be Brad Pritt. Its pretty basic. If you are Brad Pit, you get all the women...

Friday, June 5, 2015

gotta get up outta tha hood

by marquis jackson

man, bruthas be tryna diss me when i’m just tryna get by. can’t get my head straight when i’m out in the streets chasin dat paypah. tha struggle is deep and mah gurl always be hasslin my ass.


livin is hard yo. gotta watch out fo tha man always tryna reappropriate my shit. the damn govahment yo. hasslin my ass...

all I need is to get real. find somethin to take mah mind off tha hussle.

gotta get up outta tha hood, bruh. get away from all these got damn aliens, nawmean?

deez aliens be jockin my shit all damn day and i’m like DAMN man back up off me FUHREAL.

aliens all up in dis bitch.  flyin in wit dey got damn flyin saussahs n shit, hasslin aybody jus tryna go about they bizness.

can’t take nunna dat shit.

like the otha day. when tha crew was loungin and we was mad lifted, damn aliens bust all up in tha crib, lazah beams all in a brutha’s eyes n shit. straight killed tha vibes yo.

next time I see those alien crab bitches imma board they ship, halo 2 style. rip they advanced extraterrestrial eyes straight out they puffy faces. get medieval on they asses.

imma drop SCIENCE on dem hoes. aliens roll up thinkin they the illest, thinkin homeboy don't tote strap all GOT DAMN day. couldn't be more wrong yo.

perhaps they supah intelligent mastah plan will be reconsidahd once I sneak up behind they asses like a got damn ninja, smack they supreme leadah up on a chain link fence and straight RAIL on dat bitch. we be clockin they asses left and right till they mothaship ain't got no option but to send backup to the hood. warfare game STRONG yo.

meanwhile my girl at home be like, MARQUIS I need some money fo the damn rent and I'm like DAMN BITCH can't you see im tryna fend off this weak ass, triflin ass alien invasion? shit.

i'm tellin you man, always tryna hassle my ass.


Wednesday, May 27, 2015

The Eels

By Jeremy Wade Gorgeous and slippery glass monsters they are. The Eels.
With their glistening eyes of pure hatred,
They are greasy death machines.
They are icy liquid nightmares.
They are syrupy trench rapists.
They are polished and silky primordial water goddesses.
In the deep and dark crevices they seek me out and they find me. 
They strike me down in my weakest of states, soaking prostrate in the waxy oils of my forbearance. They make a fool of me with their unsafe mental powers, their unstable time travel capabilities. They are glassy and transcendent. They reach the top but continue still, their unlimited moisture abundantly flowing directly onto my face. Their minds are glazed with sexual promiscuity (sexual magic). They maintain an infinite chokehold on my psyche from which I cannot escape. I lose control of my bodily functions in their lustrous and lubricious presence. I draw near to their slimy essence. Satiny Angels. Glistening Devils. Beautiful and viscous creations abiding in the darkness. Soapy miracle in my veins, throbbing and unctuous. Their oils consume me. Steady is my gaze upon these dancing wonder worms. I anxiously await their return. My body aches for the engulfing warmth of their saccharine fluids. My mind is a cage to which their hypnotically slithering bodies are the only key. My limbs quiver in anticipation of the powers of dampness that I will be granted once they make their home within me. For I will be theirs and they will be mine. Forever.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Work-out plane 4 Emery

I care a shit ton about fitness. So, needless to say, people ask me ALL the SHIT time to fucken give them shit to do to get them assed ripped. Here is 1 such plan I given to my FRIEND: "Getting jacked is simple as shit. Over the years of becoming super ripped balls guy and having bulging biceps (by which I have sex with many ladies with my bulging penis), I have formulated 3 simple rules to become a hugatroner-sexual-mechine/lady-vigina-plower. Rule 1 DONT BE A PUSSY OR A FUCKING DUMB ASS! This is kinda of a joke but also serious. IF you want to get jacked you have to workout when you don't want to, but you also have to know when you need to rest (thus the dumbass part). So you have to be willing to push your body to the limit—and it hurts...a lot. But I usually walk away from each one of my sets with a huge raging boner, as should you. Your the parts of your brain that sense pain are right next to the parts the sense pleasure (so its science) pain can be pleasurable. But if your muscle hurt like fuck ass and your feel like actual shit—not just being a bitch ass, then rest that day. Rule 2 SLEEP A SHIT TON! I was thinking of making this one the first and most important rule but I did not because the one I put as first is the most important one, so never question anything I tell you, K? This is super fucking important so put your listening cap on....your body puts all shorts of shit into yourself that gets you jacked as fuck. Ever heard of HGH? Yeah? That the shit 90% of pro athletes take( the other 10% sit on the bench) to get strong and recover. Its illegal as shit. Your body makes that while your sleep. So sleep a lot. There is all shorts of science behind why sleep is the balls sack, but I am not going to quote it because its boring as shit. So just trust me when I tell you: SLEEP YOU BITCH ASS NIGGER. 8-10 hours. If you can...shit sleep 12 nigger. See how little Americans sleep? Yeah they are all fat asses. Rule 3 EAT A HELLA OF A LOT YOU GAY ASS WHOLE! You are trying to put on 10 pounds yeah? Do you know (you fucking ass hole) how many Calories are in a pound of fat, ah? 3,000. That right. So you have to eat 3,000 calories to gain one pound of muscle is even harder to make so imagine how many calories you have to eat... like 100,000 or more. Now don't eat shitty ass food, accept on thos cheat day tho eat all that shit nigga (which should be ones a week), but for the other days this is what your day should look like: Breakfast 6 whole eggs (dont be a bitch) 6-10oz of nuts 6 pieces of bacon And some cheese on your whole eggs Snack protein shake or bar or five Tablespoons of skippy peanut butter Lunch Salad (big ass amount man..dont be a bitch) Chicken or steak (a lot) some fruit Rice Snack Protein shake Dinner meat veggies fruit Bread Before you go to bed have some peanut butter and get up in the middle of the night and eat something too (like a protein shake or some cookies) Rule 4 LIFT SOME HEAVY ASS WEIGHT AND A SHIT TON OF LIGHTER WEIGHT! Right now your prob asking yourself, “hay, didn't chris say there was only 3 rules...???” Well you guessed wrong bitch! I do what I want. This is the final Rule. If YOU want to get big you have to lift heavy AND lift a lot of lighter weights, Bitch."(Detmering 2005)
What my friends think I do

What my parents think I do

What society thinks I do

What my boss thinks I do

What I think I do

What I really do

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Blood Sphere: A Fine Dining Establishment

At Blood Sphere we transcend the very idea of food, bringing our diners to a different world entirely. Located in the back of an unstoppable freight truck circling the globe with no true destination, Blood Sphere can happen to anyone, anywhere, any time.

Deny yourself the pleasures of traditional flavors as your mind is cleansed of past, present and future experiences of inferior restaurants. Allow Blood Sphere to release the tension built deep within your soul as the courses speak to your inner being. Engage in the pagan rituals of civilizations past on your quest for true flavor... and true existence.


Deep Herbs with Creme - 1250
A Maori tribesman pursues you through the dark, brandishing a deadly weapon made of your own teeth. You find solace in the arms of your engorged, nubile lover. The search continues.

These rare herbs are wrapped in the skin of southeast Asian Yaks and roasted over a fire of dried refuse from the depths of the Yangtze River. Accept their sacrifice.

Berries Trampled Under Foot - 990
Embrace the ancient Aztec tradition of suckling on the aged remains of berries trampled under foot by a stampede of innocent children.

Stillborn Sheep Blood Tart - 8000
This exotic and illegal dish is composed from the remains of an infant sheep ripped from its mother’s womb, vacuum-sealed, shot into space and consumed by fire upon reentering the earth’s atmosphere.

Old Cattle - 500
The crust produced by the decrepit eye sockets of the elderly cattle is used to create a wonderfully light and sweet puree that is applied liberally to our diner’s hands, feet and nipples.

Spring Leaf Burial - 2500
You awake to the putrid smell of cloven hooves coated in a thick oaken paste. Your deceased father motions you to come closer.

For this course our expert chefs will bury you on a bed of pleasant spring leaves amidst the freeze-dried, gender-neutral entrails of our latest trappings.

Eyes - 1000
The eyes come from nowhere and are going nowhere. None can question them. Trapped in a dark room with nothing but pictures of your 11th birthday party, you are forced to reason with them nonetheless.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Nearest to the residence of the most high

1. If you could hie to Kolob
In the twinkling of an eye,
And then continue onward
With that same speed to fly,
Do you think that you could ever,
Through all eternity,
Find out the generation
Where Gods began to be?
2. Or see the grand beginning,
Where space did not extend?
Or view the last creation,
Where Gods and matter end?
Methinks the Spirit whispers,
"No man has found 'pure space,'
Nor seen the outside curtains,
Where nothing has a place."
3. The works of God continue,
And worlds and lives abound;
Improvement and progression
Have one eternal round.
There is no end to matter;
There is no end to space;
There is no end to spirit;
There is no end to race.
4. There is no end to virtue;
There is no end to might;
There is no end to wisdom;
There is no end to light.
There is no end to union;
There is no end to youth;
There is no end to priesthood;
There is no end to truth.
5. There is no end to glory;
There is no end to love;
There is no end to being;
There is no death above.
There is no end to glory;
There is no end to love;
There is no end to being;
There is no death above.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

The Secret Inside Tesla Energy’s New Powerwall that Elon Musk Doesn’t Want You to Know!!! Click here to find out the surprising, disgusting, downright disturbing details!!!

“It looks like a beautiful sculpture on a wall” Musk said after debuting “the missing piece” on May 1st.  He claimed that it could transition the entire world from fossil fuel to limitless energy.  But, he didn’t say what was inside this missing piece or why it was missing for 13.8 billion years.   Yesterday, Subtitles for Movies in English was granted unprecedented access to the gigafactory, and, we’re sorry to say, it's hard to stomach.  

The gigafactory has broken the second law of thermodynamics and created the world’s first perpetual motion machine, but it’s disgusting.  Musk cryptically referred to this secret when he said of the present situation on earth, “it sucks.”  

Science said it was impossible because the universe sucks energy from every side of our feeble machines as they exist today.  However, Musk realized that there is one natural machine on earth that sucks back, and it’s this machine that tesla energy harnessed and stuck inside every single Powerwall.


But, as the new science makes clear, one leach wasn’t enough to perpetually harness energy.   

As our diagram shows, leaches when fastened together leach off each other, infinitely producing energy. 

The only reason man hadn’t discovered this technology sooner was because it’s so disgusting.  

Elon Doesn’t mind though.

He's had enough of the this leachy universe and he is ready to suck back.  Each leach runs forever off one drop of Musk’s blood, and after the leaches are fastened together, nothing can stop them from producing pure energy forever.  

Unfortunately, this technology has spread into Tesla Motors as well.  SME recently acquired a computer rendering of the 2016 Tesla Model S, and the results are well….. disgusting.  

Thursday, April 16, 2015

The Ten Tribes of Jezebel, Chapters 2 & 3

Chapter 2

Verily verily, rare has the time been unto man
when the children of men have been beset on
all sides by additional children of other men;
men who are, doubtless, likewise the children
of other men. Yay verily, children come from
men even as men come from children, and the
line of children from men is known unto
men as a very long line indeed.

The child that was brought forth unto man with
legs of brown-gold tresses, with legs motionless
with terminal stiffness, was begat of Slabmorath,
who was also begat of Bithrontromble, who
was, believe it or not, also begat. He was begat
of Gethrotemple, who begat nine other children
who likewise pleased the eyes and nose and
ears and hundred wings covered in rotating eyes
of the lord of mountain. His children and his
children's children begat children, and their
children's children begat yet more children, at
this point their children's children, in an entirely
unexpected turn of events, begat yet even more
children, until the number of children's children
exceeded even the ants of the sky and the birds
of the field. This number is great indeed,
taking into account that the children of ants also
have children, and their children yet have more
children, and so on and so on forever and amen,
selah. It's perhaps almost impossible to fathom
how many children children's children begat,
but verily do I say unto you, the sun hast not
cast its wary gleam on the end of the line of
these children, so tremendous was the sheer
number of children being begat on almost
a minute by minute basis in these days of men.

Chapter 3

In these days of men many committed themselves
unto false idols and vast was the number of these
false gods and the worship thereof. Men numbering
higher numbers than all the milk in the Gardens of
Babylon could be seen from thousands of falcon
strides away laying prostrate in front of literally
millions of sculptures of entirely made up gods.
It might seem highly unlikely that in stone age
Mesopotamia tribes were able to give
so much time to the creation of seemingly
endless numbers of false god statues, but so
great was their unholy thirst for unrighteousness
that it allowed them to trespass against not only
the laws of the lord of the harvest, but also
physical impossibilities, selah.

The child saw what men had done under the sun
and he wept with long suffering and sackcloth
he shaved his baby head and spread ash upon his knees
he shaved his infant forearms and wore sackcloth on his knees
he shaved his child knees and spread sackcloth on his ass
and great was the grieving and sackclothing, selah.

the speaker of divine truth.jpg
(the bearded but otherwise shaven babe with the waxen staff of ass-beating in hand)

Harken! From the mouth of the shaven babe,
came wisdom and long suffering:
"my eyes have become weary with the sin of my generation
my tongue cries out for deliverance
from their infinite wrong-God worshiping
my morbidly straight extremities beat in the dust
the song of judgement
A song of hills that would bring
the waxen staff of ass-beating to these idolaters"

And lo! The sons of the Kings of Babylon
Gathered together in great wickedness
and many fold weariness, and, with intensely labored breath,
they spoke before their people against the speaking that
the anointed babe had spoken to whoever the hell
listens to random prophetic baby shouting:
"Great indeed was the weariness in these days.
Behold, great is the weariness which lays upon us,
the weariness that laid upon our fathers,
the Kings of Babylon, now weighs on us.
But this weariness, that lays upon us now,
is an even greater weariness than that
which laid upon our Fathers, the Kings of Babylon.
Even though their weariness was mighty,
like a strong warrior of Babylon ready to go out
to meet the armies of the enemy, even still,
this current weariness is greater, like a mighty man
of Babylon who says to his spirit 'Be strong!
Fear not the armies of the enemy,
for your sword is your ally and your ally
lies in darkness to betray you.' Such is
the weariness that lays upon us now.
But this enemy that gathers before us now,
this brood of unkept viper piss,
this idle-tongued slack jaw,
this lumber-stiff jack and ape
this fat-staffed lamprey
this stiff-nippled shart stuffer
we will weed out him and his progeny
with bright flame, strong spear, and a
multitude of incorrect-deity respecting!”

And the people were filled with a great fear,
hiding in their encampments and shoating
with a great shout: “we are afraid, soon
the great weary sons of babylon will descend
upon us, and lay ruin upon our generation!”
the power of generations, 2.jpg
(the babe, reproaching)

And the babe reproached them their weakness:
"Do not speak to me with the foul tongue of men,
and cease your malcontent bitching, wormtongues!
Remove thyself from the dense bed of ensnarement
and stand mighty and stiff-limbed alongside me,
or so help me harvest-god, I will ass-beat
some wisdom and supplication out of you and your
children, and your children’s children, forever and amen,

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

The Ape Diet and JungleFit

The paleo diet just isn't good enough anymore, and neither is CrossFit.  Both are widely accepted standards of health and are based on a fading generation's tradition, which is problematic for obvious reasons.

The Ape Diet

This is just obvious and intuitive. Humans are a relatively recent manifestation of evolution's process of natural selection. But what we comprise is more fundamentally ape than human. Observe:

From this infographics we can easily see that humans are about 3/5 ape; that is, our biology is more naturally attuned to the needs of an ape than a human. So, why are we eating like humans?

Enter the Ape Diet:

As you can see, this diet is easy and incredibly healthy and natural. Here's a sample day:




Tip: occasional lice, mites, or ticks can be found on a mate or close friend -- a very nutritious and natural snack (and free).

And for Dessert:

Here's a hint what that is:

And before you jump on the comments questioning the the science behind this: don't worry, I came prepared. (I knew paleo dieters would insist they have hard science to back up a diet if they're going to support it.)

Sciences and math research

I ran a simple regression on a population (n) using the years of eating the ape diet as independent variable (X) and the estimated age of the subject at death as the dependent variable (Y). This of course is to determine if more years of eating an ape diet increase your life expectancy.

Where n=4 (2 friends, 1 fitness blogger, and an anecdote from a guy at the gym; note, none of these people are dead yet, so I estimated their age at death)

The data yielded a regression equation as follows:

y = pseudoscience + wantsabs(X)

The results are astonishing: when we plug in 50 years for X, we see that the estimated age at death is 167.

Here's a graphic of our regression:

Now, I'm no statistician, but that's pretty compelling. If that isn't enough evidence, look at this Chimp, she's still going strong at 76!

Source: CNN Link


There's not much to say on this. It's pretty well summed up in one word: trees. One tree is one rep. Because no two trees are alike -- and branches are randomly distributed -- we can see why apes are such strong, healthy creatures. This workout is all you and your genes need: it's infinitely varied cardio and strength conditioning.

The workout for beginners is simply: AMTAP (As Many Trees As Possible)

For those who are more Jungle Fit: Tree EMOM (Tree climb Every Minute On the Minute).

Annual JungleFit games are already gaining a solid following: YouTube Link

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Cult Bulletin Board


Telestial Apprentices: Please post all of your eighth sphere-related news and activities here!

Praise Zaashural!


July 18, 2013

ATTENTION: There will be no sacrificial gathering this week. The Holy One will spread news before the next elemental dowsing. Await with patience the revelation of the Bottomless Head.

Praise Zaashural.


July 23, 2013

Are you a female telestial apprentice willing to do anything to please Zaashural? Join your fellow sister-believers this Thursday for our first monthly Octal Unification ceremony! There will be banishings, blood worship and readings from the Book of Shadows. Come early for snacks!

Praise be to the Great Defiler!


July 31, 2013
Attention Apprentices:


An attempt has been made to evoke The Great Voice without permission from the White Priest, The Ascended Master Nomikaax. The Sacred Blade demands retribution. The guilty one may step forward to proceed through the Hundred Blood Mists and the Ritual of Obscuration.

The cleansing is nigh.

Praise be to The Great Nomikaax, our Moon Father and Shepherd of the Astral Plane.

Also praise Zaashural.


August 8, 2013


All apprentices will be required to prove their unwavering loyalty to Zaashural and the Veil of Unknowing, lest the Red Lion blind us all with its unexpected and cruel psychic attacks.

The demonstration will require the invocation of the Three Planes of Negative Existence according to the prophecy of the White Star.

Please report to the catacombs no later than 4 pm. Childcare will not be provided.

Praise Garakzukum.


August 16, 2013

New Member Initiation

The Order of the Eighth Sphere is pleased to announce our new members, Sister Khamok and Brother Guzibzebin. They come to us through an astral mind link detected in the Moon Portal by the White Priest Zaashural, Lord of the Plane of Foul Tongues.

We will initiate our new members with a Desolate Mass of Inner Alchemy, and of course a non-refundable deposit of $20,000, cashier’s check or money order only.

Praise Nomikaax.