the blog manifesto.

the purpose of sme is simply this: to overthrow the capitalist hegemony that has a stranglehold on our beautiful, multiethnic society. contributors are asked to take part in this, our overriding mission, so the people of the green earth can breathe together in the clean air of progressive politics and non-judgmentalism. each blog post must bask in the sunlight of earnest expression, never falling into the trap of satire or parody. our aim is clarity and verisimilitude; our mission is truth and the propagation of it. the blog is the perfect place to post your old family videos, homophobic video blogs, another blog's material, awkward, poorly-drawn sketches, halo reach updates, or unexplained/irrelevant wikipedia articles--sme is home to the entire eclectic conflation that is the internet. if there is one thing entirely intolerable to the editors of sme, it is sarcasm. there is simply no room in this blog for sarcastic, humorous, and reference driven posts. if you are among those responsible for such garbage, please leave.


barnaby jones

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

The Ape Diet and JungleFit

The paleo diet just isn't good enough anymore, and neither is CrossFit.  Both are widely accepted standards of health and are based on a fading generation's tradition, which is problematic for obvious reasons.

The Ape Diet

This is just obvious and intuitive. Humans are a relatively recent manifestation of evolution's process of natural selection. But what we comprise is more fundamentally ape than human. Observe:

From this infographics we can easily see that humans are about 3/5 ape; that is, our biology is more naturally attuned to the needs of an ape than a human. So, why are we eating like humans?

Enter the Ape Diet:

As you can see, this diet is easy and incredibly healthy and natural. Here's a sample day:




Tip: occasional lice, mites, or ticks can be found on a mate or close friend -- a very nutritious and natural snack (and free).

And for Dessert:

Here's a hint what that is:

And before you jump on the comments questioning the the science behind this: don't worry, I came prepared. (I knew paleo dieters would insist they have hard science to back up a diet if they're going to support it.)

Sciences and math research

I ran a simple regression on a population (n) using the years of eating the ape diet as independent variable (X) and the estimated age of the subject at death as the dependent variable (Y). This of course is to determine if more years of eating an ape diet increase your life expectancy.

Where n=4 (2 friends, 1 fitness blogger, and an anecdote from a guy at the gym; note, none of these people are dead yet, so I estimated their age at death)

The data yielded a regression equation as follows:

y = pseudoscience + wantsabs(X)

The results are astonishing: when we plug in 50 years for X, we see that the estimated age at death is 167.

Here's a graphic of our regression:

Now, I'm no statistician, but that's pretty compelling. If that isn't enough evidence, look at this Chimp, she's still going strong at 76!

Source: CNN Link


There's not much to say on this. It's pretty well summed up in one word: trees. One tree is one rep. Because no two trees are alike -- and branches are randomly distributed -- we can see why apes are such strong, healthy creatures. This workout is all you and your genes need: it's infinitely varied cardio and strength conditioning.

The workout for beginners is simply: AMTAP (As Many Trees As Possible)

For those who are more Jungle Fit: Tree EMOM (Tree climb Every Minute On the Minute).

Annual JungleFit games are already gaining a solid following: YouTube Link

No comments:

Post a Comment