the blog manifesto.

the purpose of sme is simply this: to overthrow the capitalist hegemony that has a stranglehold on our beautiful, multiethnic society. contributors are asked to take part in this, our overriding mission, so the people of the green earth can breathe together in the clean air of progressive politics and non-judgmentalism. each blog post must bask in the sunlight of earnest expression, never falling into the trap of satire or parody. our aim is clarity and verisimilitude; our mission is truth and the propagation of it. the blog is the perfect place to post your old family videos, homophobic video blogs, another blog's material, awkward, poorly-drawn sketches, halo reach updates, or unexplained/irrelevant wikipedia articles--sme is home to the entire eclectic conflation that is the internet. if there is one thing entirely intolerable to the editors of sme, it is sarcasm. there is simply no room in this blog for sarcastic, humorous, and reference driven posts. if you are among those responsible for such garbage, please leave.


barnaby jones

Friday, December 31, 2010

Breaking News! Science Machine Discovers Future Selves!

(Science, Example 1)

As the new year approacheth, Science turned its glorious gaze to the writers and the friends of the writers of SME; these brazen, sexy minds represent all that is beautiful and true for the future, therefore, the Science Machine, in its infinite wisdom, looked upon the future and projected that future even unto NOW! Behold, stare and wonder at the FUTURE! (these results are 100% accurate).

Science's first prediction is the future of Taylor James's future. In the future, Taylor will continue to do exactly what he has always done...his body, naturally adapting to this sedentary lifestyle by the process of natural selection, will take the shape of his surroundings:

hold on, I forgot one thing:

Due to an unfortunate head-enlargening disease he clearly contracted as a child, Eric Peters' already enormous head will continue to grow,

(Eric Peters Today)

sucking the sweet sweet nutrients from the rest of his body while keeping his head young and fresh:

(future Eric Peters)

AJ Wallace

and Matt McCarty's

future is strangely tied. Foregoing their natural handsomeness, the two will continue to pursue ugliness, and, using the fusion dance to complete their pursuit,
(Fusion Dance)

the two will achieve their goal as one:

Years in the future, Caleb Hoskins and Sarah Giancola will still have a wonderful, powerful relationship:

(the happy couple celebrating their 15th anniversary)

(science, example 2)

Speaking of the Hoskinses, our Science Machine predicts that Seth will fully embrace the style that has made him who he is today.


Alex Detmering, abandoning all useful pursuits, will live the rest of his life getting huge in his parents' basement.


20 years from now:

Years of bachelorhood will have a different effect on Jon Ryan, whose sustained singleness will drain his boyish face of all charm, leaving only charred remains:


And Tanner? Like Jon, the future will be much the same as it is now:

yup, 100% accurate.

(Science, example 3)

alex & mikey

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Perfectly Choreographed Consversation?

Day to day, as a mobile druggist, I endure countless verbal exchanges with all different kinds of people. So many different kinds of people -- but they all end up sounding like this:

Me: Hello
Different kinds of people (or DKP): Hey! How are you? (doesn't actually care)
Me: I'm good. (sort of) How are you? (do i care? not really)
DKP: (systematic response) I'm great! (i'm horrible) So what's up?

Some sort of body conversation filled with mindless fluff and uncontrollable head nodding.

Me: ok great, well listen i better run. (to nowhere...)
DKP: Alright have a good one! (not that i care...)

sad isn't it? (not really)


Wednesday, December 29, 2010

alex and chris, their wall to wall awesome

Chris and Alex have along history of strong brotherhood, and this compilation of their back and forth is evidence of that in spades. (some of this has some languages, apologies if it offends). Here's the best of those interchanges and comments (read bottom to top):

It's Workout Time!

Chris's words of wisdom

An intellectual discussion

Great, now what?
(the link:

Birthday Wishes

Chris's spam

An existential crisis

Chris is in a “relationship,” apparently

Oh, I think we all got the message

Ross, what are you talking about?

a misunderstanding concerning terms

hope you enjoyed ;P

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Lord Judgulous, Fear His Truth

Legend has it, that a child shall grow to manhood. This child shall have the all the greatest gifts of mankind: the gift of judgment, the gift of being super-right about stuff, the gift of sitting in the seat of judgment and judging with that judgment. All these gifts (and more gifts obliquely related to judgment) were bestowed on the eternally furrowed brow of seth hoskins.

His eyes are squinty. His displeasure is magnibus. He doubts your position.

Look now upon Jadev, who dares to utter words deemed unfunny.

Seth will show you, Jadev. Seth will show you:

Na NaNa NaNa NaNa NaNa NaNa NaNa, go seth!

consider the theme behind eric and jon's dorm, whose ironic, operational humor does not please Lord Judgulous:

hahaha, such fools. They have overplayed their joke. But they now feel the sting of seth's comment. Aaaaah ooooh aaaah, it burns.

Kaiti is yet another offender, whose small brain cannot suffice.


In the vast, uncharted, unruly land of facebook, it is good to know that there is one who labors for the right. If seth did not do his job, then there would be many, very many, who would be blissfully unaware of how stupid they really are. Merry Christmas everyone and only say clever/sexy/relevant things, because seth is watching.

I hope everyone enjoys the deep irony of this post.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A Logical Progression of Funny?

So people doing stupid things is funny

Example 1

but, animals who do stupid things is even funnier

Example 2

funnier still, is people dressed like animals doing stupid things

Example 3

If this sequence is true, then perhaps the funniest thing is animals dressed like people doing stupid things....but that would just be crazy

Example 4

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Monday, December 6, 2010

How to be an Ebay Pro

A lot of people would say you need to be quick, professional, and reasonable to be an Ebay Pro.

I, on the other hand, choose to pursue the path of awesomeness rather than uptightness, letting my full impulses just rage all over the place.

These are the feedback comments I've left as a result.

^ Click to Read XD

Monday, November 29, 2010

Happy Finals, Have a Laugh

Whoever said women don't age as well as men were, I'd say, absolutely correct.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Josiah is teh evil one!

Caleb (CJ) is a nice guy; he likes to tease and joke around. haha this is a fun pic!

Josiah will eat your eff*** soul.

NOTE: The latter image has been edited due to complaints from parents. (Apparently small children read our blog).
But posting a link to the unedited image makes total sense: Click here.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The Real Alex

the real alex detmering; the one they don't want you to know about.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Alex to Taylor, a message about a lack of a message, which gets the message across

mikey and alex weren't invited to taylor's sweet ultra-fancy Halloween party, so they decide to take this into their own hands or the cell phones that were in those hands:

10:50 pm, Oct 25

Alex to Taylor:

Hey man, f u!

Taylor to Alex:


Alex to Taylor:

Mikey and I are never invited to your sweet little engagements, so we see how it is. Clean break!

Taylor to Alex:

Haha, I'm sorry man. My parents just don't like a lot of people being here, I'll see what I can do though.

Alex to Taylor:

Oh don't worry. I don't want you to have to loosen your regulations in order to invite us, the lessers. You just have fun in your ivory tower while I play with dirt, because I'm a moron and that's what morons do: play with dirt and not get invited to exclusive parties.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

jon and chris, their wall to wall awesome.

jon ryan has a history of awesome wall conversations, here's the first of this with chris, and this is really old.

Jon Ryan to Chris Detmering: Dude, is it better to do push ups and sit ups then go running or go running then do push-ups and sit-ups after running?

Jon Ryan to Chris Detmering: Dude, when you're flexing is it better to point your fist inward towards your massive bicep or outwards towards the hot chicks looking at you?

Chris Detmering to Jon Ryan: neither, point them strait forward so the chicks in the back can get a peek too.

Jon Ryan to Chris Detmering: Dude, when you're doing sit ups do you look down at your ripped abs or up at the girl you're about to have sex with?

Chris Detmering to Jon Ryan: neither bro you look at the chick you are having sex with at the time

Jon Ryan to Chris Detmering: Dude, when you're doing squat thrusts do you stare at your left or right calf, or can you see both of them if you look straight down because of how massive they are?

Chris Detmering to Jon Ryan: neither, you look at the mirror and see your whole bulging body

Chris Detmering to Jon Ryan: dude, when the ladies walk by you, while you are ringing people out at jc penny and they give you the eye, do you look at yourself in the mirror? or take them out for a nice seafood diner?

Jon Ryan to Chris Detmering: Dude, when you're juicing your pecs at the gym do you usually wait for your nipples to stop being hard before you put your shirt back on, or do you just roll with it?

Jon Ryan to Chris Detmering: Dude, if you wanted to bend a quarter in half would you use your fingers or would your massive pecs be able to do the job?

Chris Detmering to Jon Ryan: neither, i would use my thighs

Jon Ryan to Chris Detmering: Dude, if you combined all the weight you've ever lifted with your toned muscle body, how much do you think it would be? Like, a hundred million tons?

Chris Detmering to Jon Ryan: all together i would say as much as a sun sized ball of dark matter

Chris Detmering to Jon Ryan: yo dawg iam writing this from my kick balls new phone, o and dude how do you deal with every girl you met only talking to you cause of your solid body and cut face? do you go to your quiet place and punch dance it out?

Jon Ryan to Chris Detmering: neither dude... wait...

Chris Detmering to Jon Ryan: dude, when the ladies jump on you and start ripping of your cloths do you wink at them and then show them your cut shredded abbs or do you see into their mind and then trap them dream involving nicholas cage and vin disle, just a thought

Jon Ryan to Chris Detmering: I ain't particular, I bang like vehicular homicides

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Scientists Report That A Shocking Drought of Bleepity-Bloop Noises is to be Expected Until Sufjan Stevens Dies (or stops making music).

Frank Quincy, Editor

Singer/Songwriter/Composer Sufjan Stevens has always been known for his creativity and vision, but he has rarely been associated with any kind of crisis--until now. Sources report that within the beginning weeks of the recording process for his much awaited new album, The Age ADZ, Mr. Stevens had completely depleted the Brooklyn area of its bleepity-bloop noises, devastating the surrounding population. As one concerned citizen remarked, "life started getting really hard without the constant swirling electronic fuzzbombs and swishy dupity-bops that I had grown up with as a child. I mean it was bad for a while when Animal Collective doing their thing early last year, but this is out of control. Sufjan really needs to start considering how what he's doing is effecting things outside of obscure pop/rock/folk/electronica circles all the kids are into now days. I really hate those kids."

It is believed that not long after he had used all sparkily boosh sounds in the northeast, Sufjan imported additional magical noises from questionable sources.

When confronted with the evidence, Mr. Stevens was his typically cryptic self, "I don't think music is purely an audio sensation, it tickles the souls and happies the eyes. you can't have happy eyes without bleepity-bloops Frank. I am the Lord Bird."

(Sufjan as the Lord Bird)

If Sufjan keeps making albums, there is a very real possibility that the continental US could be entirely bereft of all kinds of weird ass sounds, which, if we’re honest, will really only affect Lada GaGa and HEALTH. So things should be ok.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

the anti-bummer

having a bummer day?

want to have chill times with huge beats?

I know they do!

check out this tightness:


and let the chill times flow!

dang! that’s tight.