the blog manifesto.

the purpose of sme is simply this: to overthrow the capitalist hegemony that has a stranglehold on our beautiful, multiethnic society. contributors are asked to take part in this, our overriding mission, so the people of the green earth can breathe together in the clean air of progressive politics and non-judgmentalism. each blog post must bask in the sunlight of earnest expression, never falling into the trap of satire or parody. our aim is clarity and verisimilitude; our mission is truth and the propagation of it. the blog is the perfect place to post your old family videos, homophobic video blogs, another blog's material, awkward, poorly-drawn sketches, halo reach updates, or unexplained/irrelevant wikipedia articles--sme is home to the entire eclectic conflation that is the internet. if there is one thing entirely intolerable to the editors of sme, it is sarcasm. there is simply no room in this blog for sarcastic, humorous, and reference driven posts. if you are among those responsible for such garbage, please leave.


barnaby jones

Thursday, April 16, 2015

The Ten Tribes of Jezebel, Chapters 2 & 3

Chapter 2

Verily verily, rare has the time been unto man
when the children of men have been beset on
all sides by additional children of other men;
men who are, doubtless, likewise the children
of other men. Yay verily, children come from
men even as men come from children, and the
line of children from men is known unto
men as a very long line indeed.

The child that was brought forth unto man with
legs of brown-gold tresses, with legs motionless
with terminal stiffness, was begat of Slabmorath,
who was also begat of Bithrontromble, who
was, believe it or not, also begat. He was begat
of Gethrotemple, who begat nine other children
who likewise pleased the eyes and nose and
ears and hundred wings covered in rotating eyes
of the lord of mountain. His children and his
children's children begat children, and their
children's children begat yet more children, at
this point their children's children, in an entirely
unexpected turn of events, begat yet even more
children, until the number of children's children
exceeded even the ants of the sky and the birds
of the field. This number is great indeed,
taking into account that the children of ants also
have children, and their children yet have more
children, and so on and so on forever and amen,
selah. It's perhaps almost impossible to fathom
how many children children's children begat,
but verily do I say unto you, the sun hast not
cast its wary gleam on the end of the line of
these children, so tremendous was the sheer
number of children being begat on almost
a minute by minute basis in these days of men.

Chapter 3

In these days of men many committed themselves
unto false idols and vast was the number of these
false gods and the worship thereof. Men numbering
higher numbers than all the milk in the Gardens of
Babylon could be seen from thousands of falcon
strides away laying prostrate in front of literally
millions of sculptures of entirely made up gods.
It might seem highly unlikely that in stone age
Mesopotamia tribes were able to give
so much time to the creation of seemingly
endless numbers of false god statues, but so
great was their unholy thirst for unrighteousness
that it allowed them to trespass against not only
the laws of the lord of the harvest, but also
physical impossibilities, selah.

The child saw what men had done under the sun
and he wept with long suffering and sackcloth
he shaved his baby head and spread ash upon his knees
he shaved his infant forearms and wore sackcloth on his knees
he shaved his child knees and spread sackcloth on his ass
and great was the grieving and sackclothing, selah.

the speaker of divine truth.jpg
(the bearded but otherwise shaven babe with the waxen staff of ass-beating in hand)

Harken! From the mouth of the shaven babe,
came wisdom and long suffering:
"my eyes have become weary with the sin of my generation
my tongue cries out for deliverance
from their infinite wrong-God worshiping
my morbidly straight extremities beat in the dust
the song of judgement
A song of hills that would bring
the waxen staff of ass-beating to these idolaters"

And lo! The sons of the Kings of Babylon
Gathered together in great wickedness
and many fold weariness, and, with intensely labored breath,
they spoke before their people against the speaking that
the anointed babe had spoken to whoever the hell
listens to random prophetic baby shouting:
"Great indeed was the weariness in these days.
Behold, great is the weariness which lays upon us,
the weariness that laid upon our fathers,
the Kings of Babylon, now weighs on us.
But this weariness, that lays upon us now,
is an even greater weariness than that
which laid upon our Fathers, the Kings of Babylon.
Even though their weariness was mighty,
like a strong warrior of Babylon ready to go out
to meet the armies of the enemy, even still,
this current weariness is greater, like a mighty man
of Babylon who says to his spirit 'Be strong!
Fear not the armies of the enemy,
for your sword is your ally and your ally
lies in darkness to betray you.' Such is
the weariness that lays upon us now.
But this enemy that gathers before us now,
this brood of unkept viper piss,
this idle-tongued slack jaw,
this lumber-stiff jack and ape
this fat-staffed lamprey
this stiff-nippled shart stuffer
we will weed out him and his progeny
with bright flame, strong spear, and a
multitude of incorrect-deity respecting!”

And the people were filled with a great fear,
hiding in their encampments and shoating
with a great shout: “we are afraid, soon
the great weary sons of babylon will descend
upon us, and lay ruin upon our generation!”
the power of generations, 2.jpg
(the babe, reproaching)

And the babe reproached them their weakness:
"Do not speak to me with the foul tongue of men,
and cease your malcontent bitching, wormtongues!
Remove thyself from the dense bed of ensnarement
and stand mighty and stiff-limbed alongside me,
or so help me harvest-god, I will ass-beat
some wisdom and supplication out of you and your
children, and your children’s children, forever and amen,

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

The Ape Diet and JungleFit

The paleo diet just isn't good enough anymore, and neither is CrossFit.  Both are widely accepted standards of health and are based on a fading generation's tradition, which is problematic for obvious reasons.

The Ape Diet

This is just obvious and intuitive. Humans are a relatively recent manifestation of evolution's process of natural selection. But what we comprise is more fundamentally ape than human. Observe:

From this infographics we can easily see that humans are about 3/5 ape; that is, our biology is more naturally attuned to the needs of an ape than a human. So, why are we eating like humans?

Enter the Ape Diet:

As you can see, this diet is easy and incredibly healthy and natural. Here's a sample day:




Tip: occasional lice, mites, or ticks can be found on a mate or close friend -- a very nutritious and natural snack (and free).

And for Dessert:

Here's a hint what that is:

And before you jump on the comments questioning the the science behind this: don't worry, I came prepared. (I knew paleo dieters would insist they have hard science to back up a diet if they're going to support it.)

Sciences and math research

I ran a simple regression on a population (n) using the years of eating the ape diet as independent variable (X) and the estimated age of the subject at death as the dependent variable (Y). This of course is to determine if more years of eating an ape diet increase your life expectancy.

Where n=4 (2 friends, 1 fitness blogger, and an anecdote from a guy at the gym; note, none of these people are dead yet, so I estimated their age at death)

The data yielded a regression equation as follows:

y = pseudoscience + wantsabs(X)

The results are astonishing: when we plug in 50 years for X, we see that the estimated age at death is 167.

Here's a graphic of our regression:

Now, I'm no statistician, but that's pretty compelling. If that isn't enough evidence, look at this Chimp, she's still going strong at 76!

Source: CNN Link


There's not much to say on this. It's pretty well summed up in one word: trees. One tree is one rep. Because no two trees are alike -- and branches are randomly distributed -- we can see why apes are such strong, healthy creatures. This workout is all you and your genes need: it's infinitely varied cardio and strength conditioning.

The workout for beginners is simply: AMTAP (As Many Trees As Possible)

For those who are more Jungle Fit: Tree EMOM (Tree climb Every Minute On the Minute).

Annual JungleFit games are already gaining a solid following: YouTube Link

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Cult Bulletin Board


Telestial Apprentices: Please post all of your eighth sphere-related news and activities here!

Praise Zaashural!


July 18, 2013

ATTENTION: There will be no sacrificial gathering this week. The Holy One will spread news before the next elemental dowsing. Await with patience the revelation of the Bottomless Head.

Praise Zaashural.


July 23, 2013

Are you a female telestial apprentice willing to do anything to please Zaashural? Join your fellow sister-believers this Thursday for our first monthly Octal Unification ceremony! There will be banishings, blood worship and readings from the Book of Shadows. Come early for snacks!

Praise be to the Great Defiler!


July 31, 2013
Attention Apprentices:


An attempt has been made to evoke The Great Voice without permission from the White Priest, The Ascended Master Nomikaax. The Sacred Blade demands retribution. The guilty one may step forward to proceed through the Hundred Blood Mists and the Ritual of Obscuration.

The cleansing is nigh.

Praise be to The Great Nomikaax, our Moon Father and Shepherd of the Astral Plane.

Also praise Zaashural.


August 8, 2013


All apprentices will be required to prove their unwavering loyalty to Zaashural and the Veil of Unknowing, lest the Red Lion blind us all with its unexpected and cruel psychic attacks.

The demonstration will require the invocation of the Three Planes of Negative Existence according to the prophecy of the White Star.

Please report to the catacombs no later than 4 pm. Childcare will not be provided.

Praise Garakzukum.


August 16, 2013

New Member Initiation

The Order of the Eighth Sphere is pleased to announce our new members, Sister Khamok and Brother Guzibzebin. They come to us through an astral mind link detected in the Moon Portal by the White Priest Zaashural, Lord of the Plane of Foul Tongues.

We will initiate our new members with a Desolate Mass of Inner Alchemy, and of course a non-refundable deposit of $20,000, cashier’s check or money order only.

Praise Nomikaax.


Wisdom from the Ring

The time is ripe for plucking! It’s not what you see that isn’t important kid, it’s what you don’t see in your heart that’s got your beautiful new key to winning.  Don’t forget that inside is an ever-changing environment like a blade of grass that keeps on ticking. You’ve gotta pick that up!  Don’t think, hit canons kid, thriller lights.  
Remember when you’re almost to the top, it’s about the knocking down, not getting down! Because the drama eats odds, which are there for your overcoming.  Passion is peace with yourself, doing the cowardly is slobbing at the one yard line, at the game of the century, and that excites the box.  Remember three strikes is all about the speed spirit and money in the hope-poker.  You can always give up but never give in to what the crucial moment says!  That’s between the ears and spells the difference between an out of the park changer, and an outworked peewacker. 

Real joy, boys, between the stubborn initiative to ride that rainy cake out or suit up for the big times is, if you believe it, you can beat it.  So keep keeping on getting that hang down waddlepus.  There’s no time to grieve what you don’t have, because that’s not in your way!  Never freer, strike the way out kid.  You’re a winner, this time.  Kiss that party goodbye if you don’t get up when you go home, because that’s the difference between a champion and an athlete!   

Monday, April 6, 2015

The Ten Tribes of Jezebel, Chapter 1

Lo! Upon the first of men there was born one who is righteous in the sight of the spirit

(the beautiful babe still at his mother's bosom)
of the mountain. Great was the wickedness of his generation, and their trespasses trespassed many stated statutes of known knowledge. The abomination that brings desolation is the sure reward for the breaking of the mountain covenant. But the men of his generation laughed at known knowledge, reveling in their own great sullied perversion!

Yet he could be looked upon with a shining brow and resplendent chin. He could be seen with the eyes of men. His tight curls were a pleasure to the spirit. His burnt rodent offerings were a pleasant aroma to the lord of the harvest. His idiot babbling sweet music to the ears of his brethren, 

(vile plotters of wickedness)
though doubtless they coveted him his precious anointing and plotted to lay snares for his tender infant feet to become ensnared upon. His great bulging baby thighs were covered like the forests of Lebanon with strong hair like the rock of Egypt. His neck was like the valley of Eden, with jumping goats dancing upon his Adam’s apple. His neck was like the tower of Jericho, covered in deep set stones. His neck was also like a charging river, with waves of goats covered in deep set stones.
The boy danced in the lilies of the field. The boy gathered the milk of the honey bee and the sugars of the bejeweled dancing tidal mountain goat. Most assuredly I say unto you there remained not a horse in Babylon nor a cedar in Lebanon whose number the dancing stiff legged baby did not count among the plenty. Most assuredly I say unto you, his legs were indeed stiff as the stiffness of a billy goat's rendered completely immobile by the multitude of jewels fastened to its hindquarters.
The suckling’s completely straight legs beat the rising song of the harvest. Entirely stiff, his limbs pounded a melody of supplication. Behold! A rigid-limbed song for his generation!

But lo! Among the children of men many did lie in wait in brooding jealousy. Their eyes were covered with scales. Their eyes were also covered in flaxwood. Their eyes were additionally covered in burned pine gum and alabaster fletching. Functionally blind, these men hated the unrelenting unbending of the furry infant’s musical body. Yay! They drew a design for his stiff-bodied end.