the blog manifesto.

the purpose of sme is simply this: to overthrow the capitalist hegemony that has a stranglehold on our beautiful, multiethnic society. contributors are asked to take part in this, our overriding mission, so the people of the green earth can breathe together in the clean air of progressive politics and non-judgmentalism. each blog post must bask in the sunlight of earnest expression, never falling into the trap of satire or parody. our aim is clarity and verisimilitude; our mission is truth and the propagation of it. the blog is the perfect place to post your old family videos, homophobic video blogs, another blog's material, awkward, poorly-drawn sketches, halo reach updates, or unexplained/irrelevant wikipedia articles--sme is home to the entire eclectic conflation that is the internet. if there is one thing entirely intolerable to the editors of sme, it is sarcasm. there is simply no room in this blog for sarcastic, humorous, and reference driven posts. if you are among those responsible for such garbage, please leave.


barnaby jones

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

How to Judge the Worth of a Cyclist

(for my speech class)
Ever see someone ride on a bike and think to yourself, " I really wish I had some criteria on which to Judge this man's worth, as well as his legitimacy in relationship to other cyclists."
Well I certainly have, So after doing oodles of research, studying the sciences, and much number counting. I have irrefutable, hard facts about legitimacy in cycling.
To Judge effectively you must take into consideration looks, money invested in cycling (e.g. bib shorts, Jersey, bike), age, and skill.
Below I have placed all my data into very scientific scatter plots

The first two I looked at, money and looks, go hand in hand. However there is a interesting split in the $6,000 dollar range. As I observed people with more expensive bikes, the majority became increasingly lame, while the minority became more tight.

The second two, Skill and age, form a nice pattern as well.

The Categories

Childhood riders

The section highlighted above is where the childhood riders fall into. Their bikes are very cheep, but they look good on them. Cuteness multiplier.
As we can see in the age vs skill graph, young people suck. And there is a high concentration of bikers between the ages of 6 and 16. When those bikers turn 16 they start driving cars. They no longer have a need for their bikes. That is except for the.......

The stoners that didn't get their license
you can see the stoner bikers are rather high in the tightness category. However not much of their money funds their biking habit.

as they age and spend more time on their bikes, they progress slowly in skill. And learn to do odd things with their bikes. It doesn't help their road biking skills but it does make them look really tight.

Completely Average Bikers

This category has reached the point of balance between skill and looks. They don't spend to much money on their gear, and they don't suck.

Local Racers

The Increase in skill leads to a decrease in body fat. Therefore they look more tight. However it is a minimal increase in tightness.

the ratio of spending money to looking tight is starting to become unbalanced.

People who suck but don't care/fitness bikers

(yes that is Russell Crowe. He is a exception to the category, and belongs higher in tightness)

the Split Occurs

Old people with to much money that think they are way cooler than they really are.


the tightness is off the scale right now. Super skilled, Super expensive everything, and right at the perfect age range.


There are a few I didn't mention, child prodigies and really fast/strong/tight old men. They are illusive, but do exist. They are not well documented because of the small a percentage they take up in the world of cycling.

The world of cycling is mostly full of people like this.

not many like this

Sunday, February 14, 2010

THe truth about life and the great glorious discovery mountain part II

The Art of Replenishment

For my first paper I chose to go to the Foundry Art Center with my life partner Greg Schuknecht. The outside of this museum had the look of a 1930 colonial building like in the movie the Quick and the Dead. Yet upon entering you are instantly transported to a classy European-esque museum. The lady who greeted us was a very well put together forty year old who new all the finer things about life. We asked her where all the paintings were and she motioned us to the left with her eloquent, veiny hand. I did not enter the room that was full of paintings (two of which would end up being translated into word form in my paper) before looking at the rest of the pulchritudinous building. It was very open and off white, it reminded me of the hall for the steward of Gondor in the Lord of the Rings movie The Return of the King. I felt the creative nature that this place held, every brick every corner filled with the artistic being. My handsome friend pulled my arm with his strong manly hands, this jerked my body and my head twisted we locked eye to eye, these fine words came out of his thin-lipped mouth “Chris we have to hurry you have class at four and it is one o’clock” which I responded and said “okay”. We entered the room and my eyes locked onto the first painting that I would write about. It was entitled “untitled” by the artist John Baker, the material was oils and paper and it cost five hundred dollars it was made in the year two thousand and nine. The painting was of a man; at least I think it was of a man. The lines in the painting were not very straight; they were rather abstract and undefined. The colors were exceedingly muted and depressing, I felt as if I were in a morgue. I digress, back to the man, which is the subject matter of this morbid, dismal, bleak, dreary piece. His eyes were staring off into the unpainted distance; on both sides of his heads were clamps of some sort, not of this world, but from the world of the artist mind’s eye. I believe the artist was trying to communicate the inner turmoil we all deal with having feelings for others that we aren’t supposed to have. The elements were dark and forthcoming amazingly stitched together. I loved this piece; it was profound and untainted by the brainwashing we find in our right winged culture. It made me sympathize with the man; I felt his pain, his anguish. I liked it.

After viewing this piece, taking all the proper notes and such, we started to move down the hall. Getting to the end we turned around to go over the room yet again. This venture, however, would be far more profitable then the first. We stumbled upon the greatest piece of work in the whole museum. It was called “Mindfield” by Ian shelly it was not a painting it was a sculpture made from terra cotta, wood, steel, canvas, graphite, conte’, acrylic, pastel and enamel. The price was one thousand dollars and the date of its creation, unknown. This work won the “Going Solo” award. The lines in this piece were defined and each purposeful to the fullness of that words meaning. The colors were dim and concrete like, yet the orange that was in it stuck out and would catch any meaningful persons light receptors. The elements of the piece were stark but you must look for them and analyze them much like a scientist looks for the elements of a compound substance through a microscope. However we do not have a microscope of a mechanical matter attached to our being, but one of mind matter in our inner core that we must tap into. The artist was trying to show the workings of our mind and the battle we have between a structured thought process and a free thinking one full of commitment to its fullest, the word love best conveys this idea. This piece is beautiful and whatever is beautiful must have truth in it and this truth is full of the good that we all seek.

These two pieces both full of Truth and Good, yet they show two different manifestations of the same problem. The first is the outward appearance of the social control displayed in the form of a painting, and the second is the mind dealing with this very same problem put forth in the manner of a sculpture. I have learned so much about the modern day mind through these new fresh paintings. I am so proud to have taking part in this quest. I have absorbed so much about creativity and the inner workings of my inner being and have gotten even closer to Truth itself.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Friday, February 5, 2010

Breaking News: Science Machine Discovers Truth!

Over the break, the tireless work of unending scientists and modern technologies

has discovered massive new breakthroughs in the most recent feats of marvelous design. Alex, Chris, and Mikey worked hand and hand with these brilliant patriots of the new science realms of the burgeoning field of inner-animal detection mechanisms. Their new machine, the inner-animal detectatron,

can use any photo of an individual and accurately determine that individuals inner-heart animal: the creature which most embodies their personality. Do not doubt the truth of the science machine! These results are 100% accurate.

Jon Ryan is a disgruntled retard turtle.

Cale Hoskins is a googly-eyed goldfish.

Taylor James is Snorlax.

Matt McCarty is a flamingo with flowing brown locks of luscious, bouncy hair.

Seth Hoskins is the disturbed manticore.

David Matthias is a dwarf horse with bad hair.

Mikey Detmering is Super Saiyan 5 Goku animal.

Chris Detmering is the Balrog, Lord of Shadow and Flame.

Alex Detmering is Optimus Prime, friend to all the weak humans; they are a primitive race.

Yup, 100% accurate.

Alex, Mikey, and Chris

Best of 2009: Music (2 &1)

our top two albums.

2. Noble Beast, Andrew Bird

Andrew Bird is the master of the pop song. Ok, he may not exactly be the image conjured when I say "pop artist," but he is, nonetheless, an expert at crafting catchy, memorable, and clever melodies, songs that get lodged in your head for days. But the depth of his work is far beyond casual pop fare. His lyrics test the comprehensiveness of your vocabulary and your dictionary. He expects you to think about what he creates, and his work benefits from the effort. In Noble Beast, Bird built one of the most ornate and beautiful albums of the year, swooning violin and ethereal whistling and all. The brief, but oh so majestic interlude "Unfolding Fans" sits between the masterful one-two punch of "Not a Robot, But a Ghost" and "Anonanimal." Bird's talent is such that even the bonus disc, "Useless Creatures," has several gems of its own.

1. Veckatimest, Grizzly Bear

Grizzly Bear's second album, "Yellow House," was an intoxicating blend of folk and experimental rock, its complex layered vocals and dreamy instrumentation make for wondrous travels through dark aural woods and fields. When Grizzly Bear released Veckatimest, anticipation was running high; fans expected great things, and great things are exactly what Grizzly Bear delivered. The album’s opener is an absolutely epic, rolling folk anthem, and the rest of the album just follows from there. Every song is eerie and beautiful, dark and foreboding. By the time the listener reaches “Foreground,” the transcendent conclusion to the lush album, they are overcome by the masterwork that is Veckatimest, and it is a masterwork, through and through.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Best of 2009: Music (5-3)

You thought SME was being all lazy and not working all Christmas break; Unbenknownst to you we have been forging in secret a master list of our top 5 favorites in music and movies. This is part 1 of that list: the music 5-3

5. Album, Girls

Girls' debut LP, "Album" (which happens to mean "Girls" in Latin) was released in 2009 at the outset of the so-called "Surf Rock" genre that gained popularity later in the year, and while admittedly employing many of the key elements of said genre (sunny, feel good guitar vibes; reverb-drenched vocal melodies, etc), the real reason that Album succeeds is because of its diversity and emotional depth. One key thing to understanding the songs contained on this release is having a basic knowledge of songwriter Christopher Owens' personal history of being a member of the Children of God cult, running away, experimenting with a lot of drugs, being adopted by a philanthropic millionaire in California, then jammin out some sweet tunes. The emotional strain that Owens' past has caused him is obvious in the lyrics of almost every song on the album, but he doesn't throw himself a pity party either - many of the songs are about enjoying the small things in life or taking advantage of new opportunities. The other reason this album is so solid is the various musical curveballs that hit you in the face quite often and with repeat listens. "Laura" evolves from a straightforward headbopper to a spacy, reverbed out guitar mountain; "Hellhole Ratface" climbs a musical rollercoaster, stops, then barrels down a giant slope of melody and distortion; "Summertime" explodes into a blissed-out sea of feedback and cymbals around the halfway mark. Basically, if Album and other surf rock records that came out this year were both enrolled in Harvard together, Album would become acquainted with the surf rock, acknowledge it with a polite nod during run-ins in the hallway, then graduate and write a best-selling novel while the surf rock failed out of all its classes.

Jon Ryan

4. Merryweather Post Pavilion, Animal Collective

Avant garde "folk" act Animal Collective have always been known for the challenging albums, but 2009 was the year of accessibility. Much like Radiohead's In Rainbows, Merryweather is an album that's easy to get into (for a band notoriously difficult). The bright, electronic beats synthesize perfectly with Animal Collective's Beach Boys-esque vocal stylings. The whole album is pure fun. Try to be mad and listen to "Brothersport"--not going to happen. Much of the albums likability is due to its feel-good (but not mushy) lyrical message. The album is bright and youthful, and you can't help but feel the same when you hum along to the tune of "My Girls."

3. Hospice, The Antlers

It's a rare thing to capture intimacy and honesty on a record without coming off as pretentious or melodramatic, but with Hospice, The Antlers took grief, love, and loss and wove it their music with balance and taste. Nothing comes off as forced or fake; the authenticity of Peter Silberman's vocals give the album the unmistakable feel of earnest emotion. The whole album isn't an exercise in depression, however, The Antlers are much too ambitious to play a one note song. From the rising beauty and grandeur of "Kettering" to the sing-a-long catchiness of "Bear," the album covers the full breadth of the human experience. Lovely and endearing, Hospice is an album worth investing in.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

If only auto-tune had always existed

Top 5 songs that would be improved by auto-tuned vocals

1. How to Disappear Completely - Radiohead
2. All You Need is Love - The Beatles
3. Clocks - Coldplay
4. Zombie - The Cranberries
5. Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin

The heart warming story of Fuzzinz the cat

For my Speech class.
Fuzzinz in the slums before he got adopted. Life was hard back then.

Fuzzinz and the hoppenheirmers after the adoption. They are celebrating the 8th anniversary of their adoption.

Fuzzinz went on to become a very influential cat in the field of Naprapathic Medicine. Without his research and work, Naprapathic medicine as we know it would not exist. He now teaches at New England South East State University, and is a U.S.T.A level 6 tennis player.

a true rags to riches story.