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barnaby jones

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Scientists Report That A Shocking Drought of Bleepity-Bloop Noises is to be Expected Until Sufjan Stevens Dies (or stops making music).

Frank Quincy, Editor

Singer/Songwriter/Composer Sufjan Stevens has always been known for his creativity and vision, but he has rarely been associated with any kind of crisis--until now. Sources report that within the beginning weeks of the recording process for his much awaited new album, The Age ADZ, Mr. Stevens had completely depleted the Brooklyn area of its bleepity-bloop noises, devastating the surrounding population. As one concerned citizen remarked, "life started getting really hard without the constant swirling electronic fuzzbombs and swishy dupity-bops that I had grown up with as a child. I mean it was bad for a while when Animal Collective doing their thing early last year, but this is out of control. Sufjan really needs to start considering how what he's doing is effecting things outside of obscure pop/rock/folk/electronica circles all the kids are into now days. I really hate those kids."

It is believed that not long after he had used all sparkily boosh sounds in the northeast, Sufjan imported additional magical noises from questionable sources.

When confronted with the evidence, Mr. Stevens was his typically cryptic self, "I don't think music is purely an audio sensation, it tickles the souls and happies the eyes. you can't have happy eyes without bleepity-bloops Frank. I am the Lord Bird."

(Sufjan as the Lord Bird)

If Sufjan keeps making albums, there is a very real possibility that the continental US could be entirely bereft of all kinds of weird ass sounds, which, if we’re honest, will really only affect Lada GaGa and HEALTH. So things should be ok.

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