## the blog manifesto.

the purpose of sme is simply this: to overthrow the capitalist hegemony that has a stranglehold on our beautiful, multiethnic society. contributors are asked to take part in this, our overriding mission, so the people of the green earth can breathe together in the clean air of progressive politics and non-judgmentalism. each blog post must bask in the sunlight of earnest expression, never falling into the trap of satire or parody. our aim is clarity and verisimilitude; our mission is truth and the propagation of it. the blog is the perfect place to post your old family videos, homophobic video blogs, another blog's material, awkward, poorly-drawn sketches, halo reach updates, or unexplained/irrelevant wikipedia articles--sme is home to the entire eclectic conflation that is the internet. if there is one thing entirely intolerable to the editors of sme, it is sarcasm. there is simply no room in this blog for sarcastic, humorous, and reference driven posts. if you are among those responsible for such garbage, please leave.

sincerely,

barnaby jones

## Saturday, December 26, 2009

### CJ Is Gay? The Power Of Texting Conversations

Dec 14, 2009 around midnight while studying 10 hours straight for finals...

Luke: S***. CJ is gay dude

Nate: Are you insulting him or are you serious?

Luke: Serious. He just hit on me

Nate: ...how did he hit on you?

Luke: He asked if he could give me a bl**ie. I was like WTF

Nate: Uuuhhhh huhhhhh. Well, Can't say I'm surprised.

Luke: Yeah dude. F***ing weird s***. I had to leave without saying anything. F*** dude

Nate: Okay, so, just give me the run down here. What was the situation and how did it get to bl** j**s?

Luke: We were studying in his room. And he was like, dude, I need to tell you something. I was like what's up man. He said, I've been really into you lately, dude, and I was just wondering... I was like, huh, what? And he said if I could s*** you off. I was like what? Really?! He said yeah, in serious. I just got up and left

Nate: The f***, man!? Like, I'm cool with him being gay, but good lord, thats a little forward.

Luke: I know. Seriously bro. Well see what happens...

Nate: Yeah...that's...uh..wow... he knows you have a girlfriend, right?

Luke: Yeah man! Exactly!

Nate: That's f***ed up.

Luke: Be careful man

Nate: Thanks for the heads up.

Luke: Yeah man.

Nate: F***in crazy

Luke: Really f***ing crazy

CJ 1:03 am: Hey dude luke and jessica left, wanna come study?

Nate 1:57 am: Sorry, just saw your text. I'm done this evening, but thanks.

CJ 2:00 am: Are u sure man? I have be*r bro

Nate 2:02 am: Haha, not really a b*er drinker, but I appreciate the offer.

CJ 2:03 am: Ok man no worries yo, could i offer u somethin else?

Nate 2:05 am: That all depends on what you're offering.

CJ 2:05 am: I could think of a thing or two ;)

Nate 2:11 am: I may as well be honest, dude. Luke told me what happened and he was pretty wigged out. I'm flattered but I'm not like that.

CJ 2:13 am: Ok dude no worries yo, iv just heard that uv made out w guys before, and i think ur an attractive dude. iv just been shot down so much recently ya know?

Nate 2:19 am: Hey man, we all have relationship problems. But those experiences were due to alcohol. Plus, I'm faithful to Christina. I'll happily talk to you about it, but I'm not like that.

CJ 2:20 am: Thanx man, i appreciate it dude. btw, u don't have to spread this around. i just trust you

Nate 2:22 am: No worries.

Nate 2:13 am: So, CJ just tried to get me to come down to his room. I told him that you told me what happened and that I'm not like that.

Luke: Wow dude. Really?

Luke 12:04 pm: Did Cj ever say anything else to you?

Nate 1:04 pm: He just said: "oh sorry, heard you made out with dudes. My bad." But in other news... (homework related topic)

Luke, several friends and I had Nate convinced that I had feelings for him for over a week. He was so awkward around me... perfect.

## Thursday, December 24, 2009

As Christmas Approaches (tomorrow), I’m sure you’re all wondering what I’ve been wondering: how to make your cat into an elegant dinner hat for holidays.

There’s nothing that gets you in the spirit of the holidays like a cap made from the skin of your own pet. I know, I know, you want one—doesn’t everyone? This extremely desirable (and fashionable) accessory is on everyone’s wish list this time of year. So, how can you be the owner of your very own personal cat hat? I’ll tell you! You’ll need the following items:

A stick

Some string.

A fuzzy ball

A bola

Scissors

And creativity!

Attach the stick to the string and the fuzzy ball, creating a fishing pole out of the combination. Dangle the makeshift lure over your cat’s water bowl and wait for it to strike. As kitty paws the air with his tufty, warm little paws,

relish in the knowledge that his severed head will soon augment your most beloved hat.

Yeah, relish the kill.

As kitty’s fuzzy little head is distracted, eagerly thinking of ways adorably trap the lure; throw the bola rope at his back paws, rendering him immobile. After capture, simply cut along the dotted line

With such a beautiful hat, you’ll be the talk of the town in no time flat!

Merry happy from subtitlesformoviesinenglish!

alex

## Saturday, December 19, 2009

In a world of confusion, there is just one man who can clear the fog. And he is RANDOM FACT MAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!

### Sean John, Sex, Power, Honesty.. this man takes himself seriously.

Watch this.

Sean John is King of the Night.

An estimated 10 rabbits died to provide the fur for that hood, as you might guess, PETA is pissed.

### Taylor > Rob

Much Greater Than.>

Much Less than.<

## Tuesday, December 15, 2009

### c'mon

Nothing from kid a on the top 5

## Monday, December 14, 2009

### Accretion of the mildly interested

St. Louis mixed genre shows are a perfect place to observe this phenomenon.

the beginning of the show. everyone is scattered about in conversation clumps behind the camera.

$F = G\,\frac{m_1 m_2}{r^2} \, ,$
music is heard and the patrons drift (pulled by the stage mass+music mass) slowly to seats forming stage 1 of the accretion disk.

mild interest has overcome the force of boredom here. one conversation clump has reached the roche limit, and split up. this is how all concert rings begin.

over time, more and more mass is accumulated in the disk.

the final stage of formation

here we see the mixed genre show ring in all its beauty.
the stage is directly off camera to the right.
notice how uncomfortable everyone looks.

this is why.

## Sunday, December 13, 2009

### Asher Roth and Lady Gaga hook up, but why?

Both Asher Roth and Lady Gaga have released stellar debut albums in the last year or so, and are seen by some critics as ushering in a new wave of audio-artistry. Asher Roth's publicist recently made a public announcement concerning Asher's social life that has seemed to shock the whole world. The announcement reads:
"There have been many rumors about the legitimacy of a relationship between Mr. Roth and Ms. Lady Gaga. I am appearing today to make the official announcement that the rumors are true. Asher Roth and Lady Gaga are currently in a very serious relationship for both professional and personal reasons. They are actually, this moment, working on making a baby inside of Ms. Gaga."

(Respective pictures of each invividual part of the pair)

Much speculation has been made about this seemingly peculiar relationship. Perhaps the most common questions being asked are: how are the couple prospering both personally and professionally from their relationship, and why would they want a baby so soon? Ryan Schreiber, creator of the website that is better than you "Pitchfork Media", has proposed a theory that many think to be the correct answer to their questions. Schreiber has formulated that Asher Roth and Lady Gaga, seeing a great deal of musical potential in each other, are under the impression that if they were to bear child, the child to escape from Gaga's womb, brought by the seed of Roth would be the sole greatest musician to ever walk the face of the planet. Schreiber suggests that Asher probably believes the baby will inherit his nonchalant swagger and smooth flow. Lady Gaga is said to believe that the baby will inherit her innate fashion sense, maddening piano prowess, and soulful demeanor. We believe that if all this speculation becomes fact, that Rotgaga (the baby's rumored name) will take the music scene by storm and take no prisoners. We even suggest that if the love-child reaches its full potential it could be reasonable to expect a future where there was no need for more than one musical artist in the whole world, and of course that artist would be baby Rotgaga.

(amateur sketch of what baby Rotgaga should look like at age 13)

p.s. None of this is true. This statement was made for purposes of clarification.

## Wednesday, December 9, 2009

### Movie cover of the week.

I see a lot of movie covers working at blockbuster, so I will start posting the best ones starting today.

"I am not Mexican. I am not American. I am MEXICAN AMERICAN"

## Monday, December 7, 2009

in context it's even funnier.

## Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Effect

The Cause

### "a self-contradicting facsimile, reworked into a undulating reticulator "

2:14amElliott

2:14amAlex
that's tight man

2:14amElliott
I would have studied earlier, but I just got home two hours ago and I'd been at work since 9am

2:15amAlex
that sucks

2:15amElliott
 bro
make the world go round and keeps this student out of the cold
makes*

2:17amAlex
ah yes
but isn't money just an oppositional value internalized by a histrionically projecting cyber-society?

2:18amElliott
no
true/untrue good/evil

2:19amAlex
a self-contradicting facsimile, reworked into a undulating reticulator

2:19amElliott
those are opposite values
what can be the opposite to worth
and as far as opposite values go

2:20amAlex
I vase of lethargic makeshift thunderdome, with all the trappings of fame, yet none of the subtextual homosexuality

2:21amElliott
I don't not believe in the values (good, evil,) I just don't believe them to be in opposition

2:21amAlex
stop me if I'm wrong here
so what you're saying is
life is neither concordant to retentive; it is a morally molecular binary retracing its formative statutes through the edge of full-flung redundancy?
or*

2:23amElliott
no
not redundance
these things have a place an essence and a mode
not in opposition however

2:24amAlex
no rubber-necked doohickery?

2:24amElliott
I do not believe you can prove dark by perceiving light as old philosophy will tell you you can
as even some dogmatists will lead you to believe

2:26amAlex
I will subside my misstatements with further injunctions: if money is a cordial of ethereal phlegm, then shant a soul move according to the longing of his own internal doppelganger?
everything I have just said is total nonsense

2:27amElliott
yeah

2:27amAlex
sorry, I couldn't resist
but I think there is a method to the madness, as it were

2:28amElliott
bro your flaunting your english cock is slightly disturbing. so many words so many meanings being thrown into a canvass as if by a modern painter
2:29amAlex

hahahahahahahahahahahahahah

2:29amElliott
of your*

2:29amAlex
"my english cock'?

hahahhaa
holy crap
this conversation is going on the blog
without a doubt

## Saturday, December 5, 2009

### Letters From Home Vol. I: Daybreak Will Arise

Below is a letter written to Tanner Smith during his service to our country in the blazing hot, inhospitable, godforsaken wasteland known as Kandahar, Afghanistan.

"I've got another confession to make...

That song is horrible. for real.

The confession though is that Zach, Matt, Audrey and I made this care package a super long time ago and I've been procrastinating on sending it for like 2 months now.
Now I'm writing this on Tuesday, October 13th determined to get this onitsuka tiger shoebox safely to your living quarters in Afghanistan relatively soon. Or at least before you leave to come back to my loving embrace. How softly will we embrace on that fateful day. I count the ways it will be so soft. I can not reach an end to the counting.

Let us retire, you and I, and waste the days with amorous whisperings in our love bed. Hahaha.. You always were so silly.
Daybreak will arise in the sea the waves in the aerth, corresponding crest by crest with the pangs of my desire for your steely action chest.
We will watch the Gilmore Girls episodes we always loved and think about that one time... (who knew it could happen with pants on? hahahahaha!!! I totally knew.)
Only when you get old and your face totally starts to look like a giant ballsack - you know, not like a normal white dude's balls but like... Michael Clark Duncan balls - Will I look back and question, "Was it worth it?", and also, "Why does your face look like a black dude's balls?" Normal people's faces don't look like balls Tanner.

-Jon

## Thursday, December 3, 2009

### Gobbledigook transcribed

too ar thouv u car laow to le low
too daw casew ar co las co la

ownnnleeee isseo

to thur thouv u car laow co chos cho
to law les u car laow le lu so

buoooon shiaaa seea sralf her

chorus:
lalalalalalalalala
beeen thou thea oll healur
oeo

too wiy iuwve u car fu sun vawl vust
too ahecy un ne hen ne naw fus

buoooon shiaaa seea sralf her

chorus:
lalalalalalalalala
beeen thou thea oll healur
oeo

lalallalalallalalallalalallalallalalallalalalallalalallala

Haha

Tom Selleck

Jesse F. Keeler

Daniel Day Lewis

## Wednesday, December 2, 2009

### A review of the film: Ninja Assassin

When reviewing an adrenaline fueled, high-octane flick such as ninja assassin, it is often times difficult to find a place to start. Through very little reasoning, because that is what I assume the movie would want me to do, I have decided to present a summary of the film to kick things off.

As you may see, Ninja Assassin is not your typical popcorn fare. It is chock-full of many believable emotions such as crying and doing laundry. This is why I give it a rating of:

## Tuesday, December 1, 2009

### Relevance

Original
Psalm 1
Hebrew
א אַשְׁרֵי הָאִישׁ-- אֲשֶׁר לֹא הָלַךְ, בַּעֲצַת רְשָׁעִים;
וּבְדֶרֶךְ חַטָּאִים, לֹא עָמָד, וּבְמוֹשַׁב לֵצִים, לֹא יָשָׁב.

English Translations:
Psalm 1
King James
1 Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly,

 nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful.

Psalm 1
NIV
1 Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.

Psalm 1
English Standard Version
1Blessed is the mana]">[a]
who walks not in the counsel of the wicked,
nor stands in the way of sinners,
nor sits in the seat of scoffers;

Psalm 1
The Message
1How well God must like you— you don't hang out at Sin Saloon, you don't slink along Dead-End Road,
you don't go to Smart-Mouth College.

What the KJV, NIV, and the ESV all missed, was the obvious reference by the writer of Psalm 1 to Sin's Saloon.

Now There is scholarly debate regarding the phrase "עצה של רשעים ". Abisha Elazar Kosherini would say it is "Sin's saloon". While the late Sakeri Akub Molatozzlefozzle would say the Hebrew is better translated "Sin City Saloon".
Either way The message translation was the only one to get somewhat close to the original Hebrew.
Thank you Eugene H. Peterson.