the blog manifesto.

the purpose of sme is simply this: to overthrow the capitalist hegemony that has a stranglehold on our beautiful, multiethnic society. contributors are asked to take part in this, our overriding mission, so the people of the green earth can breathe together in the clean air of progressive politics and non-judgmentalism. each blog post must bask in the sunlight of earnest expression, never falling into the trap of satire or parody. our aim is clarity and verisimilitude; our mission is truth and the propagation of it. the blog is the perfect place to post your old family videos, homophobic video blogs, another blog's material, awkward, poorly-drawn sketches, halo reach updates, or unexplained/irrelevant wikipedia articles--sme is home to the entire eclectic conflation that is the internet. if there is one thing entirely intolerable to the editors of sme, it is sarcasm. there is simply no room in this blog for sarcastic, humorous, and reference driven posts. if you are among those responsible for such garbage, please leave.


barnaby jones

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

A Humble Suggestion

for J.S.

It is said that the righteousness of a nation can be judged by the manner with which it treats the weakest of its population; if that be the case, then America is truly morally bankrupt. The helpless, the most defenseless of this great nation daily perish due to our irresponsibility, and frankly, our inhumanity. As the reader has probably already guessed, the moral dilemma I refer to is the starvation of the homeless & poverty stricken in the United States. Almost 10,000 people every year die of starvation in this country alone, and if decisive action isn’t taken soon, America risks having the deaths of thousands of innocent lives on its collective conscience. That is a risk that is simply not worth taking.

A much less depressing, but a nonetheless pressing environmental issue faces our nation: dealing with the biological waste caused by abortion. As Dr. Stephen Iago plainly stated in our August ’08 interview with him, “the real problem is what to do with all the bodies. I mean with well over 40 million aborted since Roe v. Wade, we face the real practical problem of dealing with millions of corpses.” Dr. Iago, clearly stressed, went on to make a hilarious joke about the severity of the predicament: “Not to be crass, but Hitler had it easy. He only had to deal with a few million dead; we’re looking at at least ten times that number.” For years hospitals threw the fetuses in large unmarked dumpsters or stored them in basements, but the truth is that they are running out of dumpsters and basements.

The attempts to contain the waste are so inefficient that environmental groups are starting to take notice. Said one EPA representative, “the pollution is reaching the holding limit of the surrounding ecosystem. The other day I actually saw a duck with its beak stuck into a rotting fetus’s eye socket. If I hadn’t been there to free it, that bird would have died. That’s ridiculous. No animal should suffer because of human irresponsibility; I think the hospitals need to get their priorities straight.” Well said. Beyond just concern for animal rights, the pollution is starting to affect the communities nearest to the abortion clinics. People are starting to get sick – action needs to be taken.

And it is exactly that need which brings us to the thrust of this article: how both of these seemingly unrelated problems have a mutually beneficial solution. Put simply, I am suggesting that we use the meat from the aborted to feed the desperately hungry, effectively killing two birds with one stone, as it were (activists please excuse the phraseology). This solution is doubly effective. It both combats poverty and eliminates bio-waste, which is something people from any side of the political fence can agree upon.

The practical application of this modest proposal is quite simple and efficient. After abortion, the fetuses would be immediately delivered to the nearest meat packing facility to be prepared & packaged. The heads, arms, and feet would be removed and sent to different processing facilities (that will be addressed later in the article). The torso would then be gutted and cleaned, then shrink wrapped and sent to the nearest grocery store. A reasonably healthy fetus would yield approximately 4 lbs. of edible content, perfect for the modern, mid-sized family of two adults (of no specific gender) and 1.2 children. Not only can the poor rejoice, but animal rights activists are getting excited about this idea too. Sharon Gruoch, a lifetime PETA member and organization officer, said “Since it is quite clearly cruel to butcher animals for their meat, I am glad that a solution has been created that uses a source of meat that has already been butchered.” That just makes good plain sense.

But the potential of this concept doesn’t end simply at food; with some thought applied, the endless possibilities of this idea come to light. The blood from the bodies could be drained immediately after the procedure to be stored and used for vital blood transfusions. Iago seemed to echo these sentiments during our interview: “I remember one time at the end of an abortion; I dropped the fetus right after I had yanked it out. It hit the ground with quite an impact and blood just gushed all over the place. I remember all I could think was, ‘that is such a waste. That blood could be used to save people’s lives.’ Unfortunately members of my profession get so caught up in the operation we forget to think outside of the box.” It is exactly this kind of thinking that will be needed to harness the full potential of Aborted Meat Obtained for the Rescue and Advancement of Life (A.M.O.R.A.L.).

No longer will animal skins be necessary for those leather comforts we all enjoy. The skin from one fetus could be used to make at least five cell phone cases, truly a convenience you can feel good about purchasing. Properly treated, the leather could also be utilized to make Uggs for your beautiful daughter on her sweet 16th. With many fetuses, couches and furniture in all the newest fashions could be made; the soft, unborn skin would perfectly suit the interior of that new hybrid car. Dr. Theodore Sade suggests yet another use for the fetal anatomy that has an environmentally advantageous outcome: “the bones, because they are younger, are more porous and could be used in car mufflers to aid in filtering harmful carbon emissions.” This is just a possibility, but Dr. Sade is looking forward to doing more research in this area.

For college and high school students who are already busy getting abortions anyway, some of the money from the sale of the fetuses could go directly to their college tuition or fund thereby alleviating parental financial worries, getting rid of that extra mouth to feed, and giving kids a future in one decisive move. Ultimately, that is exactly what this is all about: giving our children a future, giving people hope. The profit that hospitals will garner from the sales could go to desperately needed research areas such as cures for sterility, so those families craving a young child to love can finally have their dreams come true.

I hope you will take this humble suggestion into consideration. If we, the American people, do not have the courage to take such steps toward progress, cultural stagnation will result. When I saw that America elected Barack Obama I had, for the first time, real hope for change, and this proposal is a part of that change which is so desperately needed. Under Obama’s presidency, the approval process for this proposition shouldn’t take long. Thank God America, we now have our final solution.

Alex Detmering


  1. this pretty much blew my mind. at moments i was offended and others crying on the inside. well done good sir

  2. Jonathan Swift would be proud.

    v ♎ ∆ ✝

  3. *Reading*...
    *Get to the last sentence of paragraph two*...
    "Please tell me this is what I think it is"
    *Scrolls back up to the title*
    I agree with the above, Rev. Swift would be very proud.