#1: Dress the part.
Take your average pseudo-intellectual.
For the most part, he’s clean cut. Suit coats are a must. If not, wear a polo—preferably black. As the saying goes, clothes make the man; if intelligence is what you want to project, dress like you’re intelligent. Unkempt hair can give the appearance of an eccentric genius, but if you want the more dapper approach, go for the comb over: it makes you look like you graduated from somewhere important.
#2: Master the Art of Facial Condescension
Appearing intelligent is all about subtle arrogance. The chief technique in the pseudo-intellectuals utility belt is his facial gestures. Take, for example, this regular guy. He has a kind, welcoming expression:
Look, he seems likeable. Like you could talk to him without hesitation or frustration
Now our would-be genius, on the other hand, projects grave incredulity with his raised brow and near-frown:
The point here is to make sure the onlooker is intimidated by your doubtful expression. As much as possible, close your eyes when you talk. Nothing makes you look smarter than closed eyes and smooth rhetoric. Like a baboon in mating season, you want to show your dominance through exaggerated body language. Such posturing will help ensure actual debate never takes place—but if such a challenge is forced on you, step 3 of the process will aid in your victory
#3. Learn a lot of Obscure Jargon
The knowledge of a few obscure words will go a long way in winning a debate:
If your opponent can’t understand you, then there is no way he can argue against you. Additionally, if your audience is not very well educated, you are almost guaranteed to appear to be brilliant (if your audience is well educated, then get the hell out of there). Here are a few words to master:
After you have fortified your vocabulary with such verbal ammunition, victory in almost any debate is all but guaranteed.
#4. “Read,” “Watch,” and “Listen to” the best of the arts
Your favorite book is Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon, whom you love. You’re “engaged by his creative use of narrative obfuscation”
Your favorite movie is “A Clockwork Orange” by Stanley Kubrick whose “riveting use of shocking cinematic flare makes an indelible statement about societal justice”
Your favorite band is Radiohead, or Brian Wilson.
#5. When talking on the internet, make ambiguous, overly-referential snarky remarks (And Always use Word to check your stuff).
Make sure to make your opinion known about everything anyone says…and make your opinion really smart-sounding.
Blaa—it’s misspelled and encouraging; what a bunch of crap.
New comment (Now with more condescension!):
Perfect! It indicates that you were already aware of the fad far before the other person, and you mock him for his “poor” taste in music. Great one-two punch!
With these quick and easy steps, even you can sound smarter than you actually are!
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