the blog manifesto.

the purpose of sme is simply this: to overthrow the capitalist hegemony that has a stranglehold on our beautiful, multiethnic society. contributors are asked to take part in this, our overriding mission, so the people of the green earth can breathe together in the clean air of progressive politics and non-judgmentalism. each blog post must bask in the sunlight of earnest expression, never falling into the trap of satire or parody. our aim is clarity and verisimilitude; our mission is truth and the propagation of it. the blog is the perfect place to post your old family videos, homophobic video blogs, another blog's material, awkward, poorly-drawn sketches, halo reach updates, or unexplained/irrelevant wikipedia articles--sme is home to the entire eclectic conflation that is the internet. if there is one thing entirely intolerable to the editors of sme, it is sarcasm. there is simply no room in this blog for sarcastic, humorous, and reference driven posts. if you are among those responsible for such garbage, please leave.


barnaby jones

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

How to Fake Being Intelligent: An Easy to Use Guide in 5 steps!

#1: Dress the part.

Take your average pseudo-intellectual.

For the most part, he’s clean cut. Suit coats are a must. If not, wear a polo—preferably black. As the saying goes, clothes make the man; if intelligence is what you want to project, dress like you’re intelligent. Unkempt hair can give the appearance of an eccentric genius, but if you want the more dapper approach, go for the comb over: it makes you look like you graduated from somewhere important.

#2: Master the Art of Facial Condescension

Appearing intelligent is all about subtle arrogance. The chief technique in the pseudo-intellectuals utility belt is his facial gestures. Take, for example, this regular guy. He has a kind, welcoming expression:

Look, he seems likeable. Like you could talk to him without hesitation or frustration

Now our would-be genius, on the other hand, projects grave incredulity with his raised brow and near-frown:

The point here is to make sure the onlooker is intimidated by your doubtful expression. As much as possible, close your eyes when you talk. Nothing makes you look smarter than closed eyes and smooth rhetoric. Like a baboon in mating season, you want to show your dominance through exaggerated body language. Such posturing will help ensure actual debate never takes place—but if such a challenge is forced on you, step 3 of the process will aid in your victory

#3. Learn a lot of Obscure Jargon

The knowledge of a few obscure words will go a long way in winning a debate:

If your opponent can’t understand you, then there is no way he can argue against you. Additionally, if your audience is not very well educated, you are almost guaranteed to appear to be brilliant (if your audience is well educated, then get the hell out of there). Here are a few words to master:


After you have fortified your vocabulary with such verbal ammunition, victory in almost any debate is all but guaranteed.

#4. “Read,” “Watch,” and “Listen to” the best of the arts

Your favorite book is Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon, whom you love. You’re “engaged by his creative use of narrative obfuscation”

Your favorite movie is “A Clockwork Orange” by Stanley Kubrick whose “riveting use of shocking cinematic flare makes an indelible statement about societal justice”

Your favorite band is Radiohead, or Brian Wilson.

#5. When talking on the internet, make ambiguous, overly-referential snarky remarks (And Always use Word to check your stuff).

Make sure to make your opinion known about everything anyone says…and make your opinion really smart-sounding.

Regular comment:

Blaa—it’s misspelled and encouraging; what a bunch of crap.

New comment (Now with more condescension!):

Perfect! It indicates that you were already aware of the fad far before the other person, and you mock him for his “poor” taste in music. Great one-two punch!

With these quick and easy steps, even you can sound smarter than you actually are!


  1. How does facial hair contribute to appearance when shooting for the intelligent look? I'm worried that a mustache might be to villain-esque...would a bushy beard or a small goatee be more sophisticated?!

    -concerned idiot-

  2. Obviously, you've failed to engage this discourse on the proper level. Therefore, it would be edifying for you to ingest it subsequent times as to add to your not so considerable knowledge on the subject. You probably also liked Iron Man...christ, how long must I indulge the idiocies of lesser men.

    Did I do good alex? hahahaha

    v ♎ ∆ ✝

  3. bushy beards are a perfect touch.