There are a multitude of reasons to kill the young collegiate wanker, but here are the five best reasons Jon Ryan must be killed:
1. Chicks dig his swagger
2. His soft, elegant hair.
3. He’s tall.
4. His great intelligence makes you look stupid in comparison.
5. His beautiful hands cure the ill.
Now that the threat Jon Ryan poses to you is obvious, let me lay out my five step plan to kill Jon Ryan:
1. Jon Ryan’s wit must be dulled. Any plot that minds such as ours could hatch would instantly be detected by an alert, cognizant Jon Ryan. Therefore, I will leave a delicious cookie cake laced with roofies an easy distance from Jon Ryan’s bed chamber.
Roofies, which would incapacitate a normal person, merely cloud Jon’s intellect.
2. After Jon’s wits are dulled, he must be convinced his school and work will be cancelled for the day.
3. Now that his schedule has been freed up, tell Jon that you’ve got a special surprise for him, and you're driving (if you are Taylor, this part will not work, no matter how dull his wits).
4. Once you’ve got him in the car, tell him you’ve got special tickets to a secret blink 182/radiohead concert held at buffalo wild wings
you do enjoy irony, don’t you Jon, don’t you?
5. Drop him off at this Buffalo Wild wings
As the flames surrounding Buffalo Wild Wings Burn into the night, at least we’ll know that the world is free…of Jon Ryan.
Happy Birthday Jon,
Your Friend Forever and Always,
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