The Ape Diet and JungleFit

The paleo diet just isn't good enough anymore, and neither is CrossFit.  Both are widely accepted standards of health and are based on a fading generation's tradition, which is problematic for obvious reasons.

The Ape Diet

This is just obvious and intuitive. Humans are a relatively recent manifestation of evolution's process of natural selection. But what we comprise is more fundamentally ape than human. Observe:



From this infographics we can easily see that humans are about 3/5 ape; that is, our biology is more naturally attuned to the needs of an ape than a human. So, why are we eating like humans?

Enter the Ape Diet:



As you can see, this diet is easy and incredibly healthy and natural. Here's a sample day:

Breakfast:



Lunch:



Dinner:



Tip: occasional lice, mites, or ticks can be found on a mate or close friend -- a very nutritious and natural snack (and free).

And for Dessert:
Coprophagia!

Here's a hint what that is:



And before you jump on the comments questioning the the science behind this: don't worry, I came prepared. (I knew paleo dieters would insist they have hard science to back up a diet if they're going to support it.)

Sciences and math research

I ran a simple regression on a population (n) using the years of eating the ape diet as independent variable (X) and the estimated age of the subject at death as the dependent variable (Y). This of course is to determine if more years of eating an ape diet increase your life expectancy.

Where n=4 (2 friends, 1 fitness blogger, and an anecdote from a guy at the gym; note, none of these people are dead yet, so I estimated their age at death)

The data yielded a regression equation as follows:

y = pseudoscience + wantsabs(X)

The results are astonishing: when we plug in 50 years for X, we see that the estimated age at death is 167.

Here's a graphic of our regression:


Now, I'm no statistician, but that's pretty compelling. If that isn't enough evidence, look at this Chimp, she's still going strong at 76!


Source: CNN Link


JungleFit

There's not much to say on this. It's pretty well summed up in one word: trees. One tree is one rep. Because no two trees are alike -- and branches are randomly distributed -- we can see why apes are such strong, healthy creatures. This workout is all you and your genes need: it's infinitely varied cardio and strength conditioning.

The workout for beginners is simply: AMTAP (As Many Trees As Possible)

For those who are more Jungle Fit: Tree EMOM (Tree climb Every Minute On the Minute).

Annual JungleFit games are already gaining a solid following: YouTube Link

Cult Bulletin Board

THE ORDER OF THE EIGHTH SPHERE COMMUNITY BULLETIN BOARD

Telestial Apprentices: Please post all of your eighth sphere-related news and activities here!

Praise Zaashural!

--

July 18, 2013

ATTENTION: There will be no sacrificial gathering this week. The Holy One will spread news before the next elemental dowsing. Await with patience the revelation of the Bottomless Head.

Praise Zaashural.

--

July 23, 2013

EIGHTH SPHERE LADIES’ CLUB

Are you a female telestial apprentice willing to do anything to please Zaashural? Join your fellow sister-believers this Thursday for our first monthly Octal Unification ceremony! There will be banishings, blood worship and readings from the Book of Shadows. Come early for snacks!

Praise be to the Great Defiler!

--

July 31, 2013

Attention Apprentices:

THE PILLAR OF SEVERITY is upon us.

An attempt has been made to evoke The Great Voice without permission from the White Priest, The Ascended Master Nomikaax. The Sacred Blade demands retribution. The guilty one may step forward to proceed through the Hundred Blood Mists and the Ritual of Obscuration.

The cleansing is nigh.

Praise be to The Great Nomikaax, our Moon Father and Shepherd of the Astral Plane.

Also praise Zaashural.

--

August 8, 2013

LOYALTY TEST

All apprentices will be required to prove their unwavering loyalty to Zaashural and the Veil of Unknowing, lest the Red Lion blind us all with its unexpected and cruel psychic attacks.

The demonstration will require the invocation of the Three Planes of Negative Existence according to the prophecy of the White Star.

Please report to the catacombs no later than 4 pm. Childcare will not be provided.

Praise Garakzukum.

--

August 16, 2013

New Member Initiation

The Order of the Eighth Sphere is pleased to announce our new members, Sister Khamok and Brother Guzibzebin. They come to us through an astral mind link detected in the Moon Portal by the White Priest Zaashural, Lord of the Plane of Foul Tongues.

We will initiate our new members with a Desolate Mass of Inner Alchemy, and of course a non-refundable deposit of $20,000, cashier’s check or money order only.

Praise Nomikaax.

--

Wisdom from the Ring

The time is ripe for plucking! It’s not what you see that isn’t important kid, it’s what you don’t see in your heart that’s got your beautiful new key to winning.  Don’t forget that inside is an ever-changing environment like a blade of grass that keeps on ticking. You’ve gotta pick that up!  Don’t think, hit canons kid, thriller lights.  

Remember when you’re almost to the top, it’s about the knocking down, not getting down! Because the drama eats odds, which are there for your overcoming.  Passion is peace with yourself, doing the cowardly is slobbing at the one yard line, at the game of the century, and that excites the box.  Remember three strikes is all about the speed spirit and money in the hope-poker.  You can always give up but never give in to what the crucial moment says!  That’s between the ears and spells the difference between an out of the park changer, and an outworked peewacker. 

Real joy, boys, between the stubborn initiative to ride that rainy cake out or suit up for the big times is, if you believe it, you can beat it.  So keep keeping on getting that hang down waddlepus.  There’s no time to grieve what you don’t have, because that’s not in your way!  Never freer, strike the way out kid.  You’re a winner, this time.  Kiss that party goodbye if you don’t get up when you go home, because that’s the difference between a champion and an athlete!   

The Ten Tribes of Jezebel, Chapter 1

Lo! Upon the first of men there was born one who is righteous in the sight of the spirit

(the beautiful babe still at his mother's bosom)

of the mountain. Great was the wickedness of his generation, and their trespasses trespassed many stated statutes of known knowledge. The abomination that brings desolation is the sure reward for the breaking of the mountain covenant. But the men of his generation laughed at known knowledge, reveling in their own great sullied perversion!

Yet he could be looked upon with a shining brow and resplendent chin. He could be seen with the eyes of men. His tight curls were a pleasure to the spirit. His burnt rodent offerings were a pleasant aroma to the lord of the harvest. His idiot babbling sweet music to the ears of his brethren, 

(vile plotters of wickedness)

though doubtless they coveted him his precious anointing and plotted to lay snares for his tender infant feet to become ensnared upon. His great bulging baby thighs were covered like the forests of Lebanon with strong hair like the rock of Egypt. His neck was like the valley of Eden, with jumping goats dancing upon his Adam’s apple. His neck was like the tower of Jericho, covered in deep set stones. His neck was also like a charging river, with waves of goats covered in deep set stones.

The boy danced in the lilies of the field. The boy gathered the milk of the honey bee and the sugars of the bejeweled dancing tidal mountain goat. Most assuredly I say unto you there remained not a horse in Babylon nor a cedar in Lebanon whose number the dancing stiff legged baby did not count among the plenty. Most assuredly I say unto you, his legs were indeed stiff as the stiffness of a billy goat's rendered completely immobile by the multitude of jewels fastened to its hindquarters.

The suckling’s completely straight legs beat the rising song of the harvest. Entirely stiff, his limbs pounded a melody of supplication. Behold! A rigid-limbed song for his generation!

But lo! Among the children of men many did lie in wait in brooding jealousy. Their eyes were covered with scales. Their eyes were also covered in flaxwood. Their eyes were additionally covered in burned pine gum and alabaster fletching. Functionally blind, these men hated the unrelenting unbending of the furry infant’s musical body. Yay! They drew a design for his stiff-bodied end.

The Score is Hot

Tonight is the night, boys.

The score is hot... and I'm thirsty for wet sewage.

That trash bitch Tommy Torelli two-timed us for the last time, ya see?

His head is on my plate tonight and I'm ready to serve it up with a side of that filthy murder juice.

That sweaty bastard has been slapping our dicks around in the sludge for too long. It's time we showed him how to take a hot gutter beating like a goddamn man.

No doubt about it, that scumbag is drowning  in his own stink lotion tonight.

Gonna put it to him straight, ya see?

No one slings that ripe dirt candy on our turf but us!

He's getting it real nasty.

That's right, Tommy T's got a big dose of back alley tar poison coming straight for his piss cannon.

Don't believe me? Ask Vinny C! That garbage-eating sunofabitch got what was coming to him... A one-way ticket to the slop shop!

Wanna know how we're gonna do it? You wanna know how we're gonna pull a primo scrap job on this street rat?

You guessed it... we're calling in the Trash Man.

This crazy bastard will do anything. "The Sewer King", they call him. He lives for the trash. Can’t get enough of it. Heard he swallowed an entire family of dumpster people back in 'nam.

Tonight the Trash Man teaches Tommy T a lesson in manly garbage love.

That dirtbag is getting buried in the slime tunnel tonight and there's not a damn thing he can do about it.

The Hottest New Business Practices

Do you want to AMP UP your team and achieve the BEST results?

Do you want to BLOW the competition AWAY?

Do you want the POWER to fuse a group of submissive human subjects into a gelatinous being with the mental capabilities to make your WILDEST DREAMS come true?

All you have to do is follow these easy guidelines and you’ll soon be the ruler of your own supple, obedient business entity that might as well be called S-U-C-C-E-S-S!

Adoption

A hot trend in business right now is to ADOPT, not hire. Think of your business as your family, and your employees as your literal children. To form the most yielding human subjects, you must adopt the most spongy, moldable children and teach them the hard and painful ways of business.

Body Fusion

Soon you will be ready to perform your first body fusion. This may be uncomfortable for a few minutes, but when your employees’ eyes roll back into their skulls and their bodies and minds amalgamate into a single conscious entity, you’ll be on your way to staying in the black and never looking back!

The Hive Mind

Now it is time to harness the power of your obedient, viscous mass of humanity by embracing the Hive Mind. Using its superior cognitive force, your bulging mind conglomerate will generate the HOTTEST business tips ever!

$$$

You’ve made it! The Hive Mind is working for you and it’s clear sailing from here on out. Enjoy raking in that hard-earned cash!

Becoming more with your life now, for less!

While in New Mexico, I watched the fantastic BBQ Pitmasters program and became fixated on the idea that the the life of a professional BBQ judge was the life for me. It took me a year, but I finally acted on my dreams and contacted a BBQ official under the assumed identity of Frank Bitwheeler, Attorney at Law: