the blog manifesto.

the purpose of sme is simply this: to overthrow the capitalist hegemony that has a stranglehold on our beautiful, multiethnic society. contributors are asked to take part in this, our overriding mission, so the people of the green earth can breathe together in the clean air of progressive politics and non-judgmentalism. each blog post must bask in the sunlight of earnest expression, never falling into the trap of satire or parody. our aim is clarity and verisimilitude; our mission is truth and the propagation of it. the blog is the perfect place to post your old family videos, homophobic video blogs, another blog's material, awkward, poorly-drawn sketches, halo reach updates, or unexplained/irrelevant wikipedia articles--sme is home to the entire eclectic conflation that is the internet. if there is one thing entirely intolerable to the editors of sme, it is sarcasm. there is simply no room in this blog for sarcastic, humorous, and reference driven posts. if you are among those responsible for such garbage, please leave.

sincerely,

barnaby jones

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

My Plan for My Children

In between times in my thought journey where I am thinking about things that are super hard to think about (like this) and concocting ways to make sure that those around me know just how much more I matter then they do, I can enter into the daydream. It is a strange place full of confused kittens and possible additions to baseball that could actually make it exciting. Linked with these ever enticing brain ventures is the realm of the hypothetical future, where one can dream of whats to come and forge it into whatever fits his/her desires best. Ah yes the fantasy can go down many paths but it often leads us to inventions of one thing: our future family. Who will be the one we give our lives to be with? And what will be the lives of our offspring? The former question I am not concerned with, I will simply find a woman I desire and exact the steps of the control theory (copyright Alex Detmering) with brutality and finality. The later is more complicated and therefore a more demanding plan. Indeed it is the plan for my children.

Step 1: Choosing the Gender and Number
I think this goes without saying. . .but i will say it anyways. The gender will be male the number will be one. Two children will lead to bickering and favoritism battles. Although I could use their hate and animosity towards one another to make the two of them stronger and therefore bread one ruthless child out of a final fight to the death, it is all too bothersome. More than two children just becomes ridiculous. It's like come on stop having children already. . . like why do you keep on having kids, whats up with that? That is what I think. . .when i see people with more than two kids. . .

So what if the freak accident occurs that my child turns out to be a woman? Well for so many reasons, many of those found through modern science, anyone who is sane can understand that this is unacceptable. If it does happen, I will not look at her nor touch her, for she is shamed forever, Amen. Instead of raising her like I were some crazy person I will convince my parents (who will probably be senile by then) that they somehow had another kid and that it's totally their kid.

Step 2: The Young Years, and Not Dealing With Them
This next step is a crucial one. I have come to the understanding that when my child first appears he will indeed be a baby, which is not state for me to be dealing with him yet. . .I mean all he will do is be super annoying and not understand things. In order to remedy this problem I will make sure that i don't come into direct contact with him until he is no longer a baby/child/young person. How you say? Well this is where I will build (buy) my 12X12X12 ft steel walled Utopia (a miniature version of the box) where he will reside until he is 17 years of aging. Within this box I will put three meals a day (slid under the locked entrance door), necessary workout gear (I expect him to be of the finest physical shape), and all necessary learning equipment (books, the internet, educational and artistically pleasing media). It has come to my attention though that after exiting this box he will be nearly perfect in every area except one. . .he will be practically socially retarded. However, this is easily remedied. I will pay random children to enter into my child Utopia and converse with him until the child that entered is heard laughing at least 10 times and pondering deeply 5 times.

Step 3: Final Preparation and Send Off
When my child exits the box he will be near complete, and because of this he will probably be very prideful and think of himself as better then me. No worries though, every day I will defeat him in some physical challenge, disrupt his emotional equilibrium with horrible lies about his mother, and constantly outwit and crush his teen-brain with my mind-vice. I will remain above him, for that is the most important thing in a father son relationship, total dominance. It is after about 2 years of this that I will choose a women for him, give him parcel of survival gear (knife, flint, rations), and send him on his way. I will not cry, for he cannot see my weakness, instead i will give him a sincere high-five, and it is at this point that I will finally give him his name, Warlson Largewater, because it sounds good.

This is my plan for my children, and I think that it will work.

6 comments:

  1. absolutely brilliant

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  2. Erewhile, this may be the reason the first woman paused for a brief moment while donning some foxy dress...and just left the house in sweatpants.

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  3. yeah i apologize, looking back that was a pretty gay way to start a sentence.

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  4. who's thumb is that?

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