you tell him, frankie

for a practical joke, do not worry.

haha

By Alex, not Mikey

My Plan for My Children

In between times in my thought journey where I am thinking about things that are super hard to think about (like this) and concocting ways to make sure that those around me know just how much more I matter then they do, I can enter into the daydream. It is a strange place full of confused kittens and possible additions to baseball that could actually make it exciting. Linked with these ever enticing brain ventures is the realm of the hypothetical future, where one can dream of whats to come and forge it into whatever fits his/her desires best. Ah yes the fantasy can go down many paths but it often leads us to inventions of one thing: our future family. Who will be the one we give our lives to be with? And what will be the lives of our offspring? The former question I am not concerned with, I will simply find a woman I desire and exact the steps of the control theory (copyright Alex Detmering) with brutality and finality. The later is more complicated and therefore a more demanding plan. Indeed it is the plan for my children.

Step 1: Choosing the Gender and Number
I think this goes without saying. . .but i will say it anyways. The gender will be male the number will be one. Two children will lead to bickering and favoritism battles. Although I could use their hate and animosity towards one another to make the two of them stronger and therefore bread one ruthless child out of a final fight to the death, it is all too bothersome. More than two children just becomes ridiculous. It's like come on stop having children already. . . like why do you keep on having kids, whats up with that? That is what I think. . .when i see people with more than two kids. . .

So what if the freak accident occurs that my child turns out to be a woman? Well for so many reasons, many of those found through modern science, anyone who is sane can understand that this is unacceptable. If it does happen, I will not look at her nor touch her, for she is shamed forever, Amen. Instead of raising her like I were some crazy person I will convince my parents (who will probably be senile by then) that they somehow had another kid and that it's totally their kid.

Step 2: The Young Years, and Not Dealing With Them
This next step is a crucial one. I have come to the understanding that when my child first appears he will indeed be a baby, which is not state for me to be dealing with him yet. . .I mean all he will do is be super annoying and not understand things. In order to remedy this problem I will make sure that i don't come into direct contact with him until he is no longer a baby/child/young person. How you say? Well this is where I will build (buy) my 12X12X12 ft steel walled Utopia (a miniature version of the box) where he will reside until he is 17 years of aging. Within this box I will put three meals a day (slid under the locked entrance door), necessary workout gear (I expect him to be of the finest physical shape), and all necessary learning equipment (books, the internet, educational and artistically pleasing media). It has come to my attention though that after exiting this box he will be nearly perfect in every area except one. . .he will be practically socially retarded. However, this is easily remedied. I will pay random children to enter into my child Utopia and converse with him until the child that entered is heard laughing at least 10 times and pondering deeply 5 times.

Step 3: Final Preparation and Send Off
When my child exits the box he will be near complete, and because of this he will probably be very prideful and think of himself as better then me. No worries though, every day I will defeat him in some physical challenge, disrupt his emotional equilibrium with horrible lies about his mother, and constantly outwit and crush his teen-brain with my mind-vice. I will remain above him, for that is the most important thing in a father son relationship, total dominance. It is after about 2 years of this that I will choose a women for him, give him parcel of survival gear (knife, flint, rations), and send him on his way. I will not cry, for he cannot see my weakness, instead i will give him a sincere high-five, and it is at this point that I will finally give him his name, Warlson Largewater, because it sounds good.

This is my plan for my children, and I think that it will work.

Breaking News! Science Machine Discovers Future Selves!

(Science, Example 1)

As the new year approacheth, Science turned its glorious gaze to the writers and the friends of the writers of SME; these brazen, sexy minds represent all that is beautiful and true for the future, therefore, the Science Machine, in its infinite wisdom, looked upon the future and projected that future even unto NOW! Behold, stare and wonder at the FUTURE! (these results are 100% accurate).

Science's first prediction is the future of Taylor James's future. In the future, Taylor will continue to do exactly what he has always done...his body, naturally adapting to this sedentary lifestyle by the process of natural selection, will take the shape of his surroundings:

hold on, I forgot one thing:


Due to an unfortunate head-enlargening disease he clearly contracted as a child, Eric Peters' already enormous head will continue to grow,

(Eric Peters Today)

sucking the sweet sweet nutrients from the rest of his body while keeping his head young and fresh:

(future Eric Peters)



AJ Wallace

and Matt McCarty's

future is strangely tied. Foregoing their natural handsomeness, the two will continue to pursue ugliness, and, using the fusion dance to complete their pursuit,
(Fusion Dance)


the two will achieve their goal as one:


Years in the future, Caleb Hoskins and Sarah Giancola will still have a wonderful, powerful relationship:

(the happy couple celebrating their 15th anniversary)


(science, example 2)

Speaking of the Hoskinses, our Science Machine predicts that Seth will fully embrace the style that has made him who he is today.
Now:

Future:


Alex Detmering, abandoning all useful pursuits, will live the rest of his life getting huge in his parents' basement.

today:

20 years from now:


Years of bachelorhood will have a different effect on Jon Ryan, whose sustained singleness will drain his boyish face of all charm, leaving only charred remains:

then....


And Tanner? Like Jon, the future will be much the same as it is now:





yup, 100% accurate.



(Science, example 3)






alex & mikey

Perfectly Choreographed Consversation?

Day to day, as a mobile druggist, I endure countless verbal exchanges with all different kinds of people. So many different kinds of people -- but they all end up sounding like this:

Me: Hello
Different kinds of people (or DKP): Hey! How are you? (doesn't actually care)
Me: I'm good. (sort of) How are you? (do i care? not really)
DKP: (systematic response) I'm great! (i'm horrible) So what's up?

Some sort of body conversation filled with mindless fluff and uncontrollable head nodding.

Me: ok great, well listen i better run. (to nowhere...)
DKP: Alright have a good one! (not that i care...)

sad isn't it? (not really)

Eric.

alex and chris, their wall to wall awesome

Chris and Alex have along history of strong brotherhood, and this compilation of their back and forth is evidence of that in spades. (some of this has some languages, apologies if it offends). Here's the best of those interchanges and comments (read bottom to top):

It's Workout Time!


Chris's words of wisdom


An intellectual discussion


Great, now what?
(the link: http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/blog/ball_dont_lie/post/Marko-Jaric-marries-Victoria-s-Secret-beauty-Adr?urn=nba-143671)


Birthday Wishes





Chris's spam


An existential crisis


Chris is in a “relationship,” apparently


Oh, I think we all got the message


Ross, what are you talking about?


a misunderstanding concerning terms



hope you enjoyed ;P

Lord Judgulous, Fear His Truth

Legend has it, that a child shall grow to manhood. This child shall have the all the greatest gifts of mankind: the gift of judgment, the gift of being super-right about stuff, the gift of sitting in the seat of judgment and judging with that judgment. All these gifts (and more gifts obliquely related to judgment) were bestowed on the eternally furrowed brow of seth hoskins.

His eyes are squinty. His displeasure is magnibus. He doubts your position.

Look now upon Jadev, who dares to utter words deemed unfunny.

Seth will show you, Jadev. Seth will show you:

Na NaNa NaNa NaNa NaNa NaNa NaNa, go seth!

consider the theme behind eric and jon's dorm, whose ironic, operational humor does not please Lord Judgulous:

hahaha, such fools. They have overplayed their joke. But they now feel the sting of seth's comment. Aaaaah ooooh aaaah, it burns.

Kaiti is yet another offender, whose small brain cannot suffice.

IT SHALL BE CRUSHED!


In the vast, uncharted, unruly land of facebook, it is good to know that there is one who labors for the right. If seth did not do his job, then there would be many, very many, who would be blissfully unaware of how stupid they really are. Merry Christmas everyone and only say clever/sexy/relevant things, because seth is watching.



I hope everyone enjoys the deep irony of this post.