The Ten Tribes of Jezebel, Chapter 1

Lo! Upon the first of men there was born one who is righteous in the sight of the spirit

(the beautiful babe still at his mother's bosom)

of the mountain. Great was the wickedness of his generation, and their trespasses trespassed many stated statutes of known knowledge. The abomination that brings desolation is the sure reward for the breaking of the mountain covenant. But the men of his generation laughed at known knowledge, reveling in their own great sullied perversion!

Yet he could be looked upon with a shining brow and resplendent chin. He could be seen with the eyes of men. His tight curls were a pleasure to the spirit. His burnt rodent offerings were a pleasant aroma to the lord of the harvest. His idiot babbling sweet music to the ears of his brethren, 

(vile plotters of wickedness)

though doubtless they coveted him his precious anointing and plotted to lay snares for his tender infant feet to become ensnared upon. His great bulging baby thighs were covered like the forests of Lebanon with strong hair like the rock of Egypt. His neck was like the valley of Eden, with jumping goats dancing upon his Adam’s apple. His neck was like the tower of Jericho, covered in deep set stones. His neck was also like a charging river, with waves of goats covered in deep set stones.

The boy danced in the lilies of the field. The boy gathered the milk of the honey bee and the sugars of the bejeweled dancing tidal mountain goat. Most assuredly I say unto you there remained not a horse in Babylon nor a cedar in Lebanon whose number the dancing stiff legged baby did not count among the plenty. Most assuredly I say unto you, his legs were indeed stiff as the stiffness of a billy goat's rendered completely immobile by the multitude of jewels fastened to its hindquarters.

The suckling’s completely straight legs beat the rising song of the harvest. Entirely stiff, his limbs pounded a melody of supplication. Behold! A rigid-limbed song for his generation!

But lo! Among the children of men many did lie in wait in brooding jealousy. Their eyes were covered with scales. Their eyes were also covered in flaxwood. Their eyes were additionally covered in burned pine gum and alabaster fletching. Functionally blind, these men hated the unrelenting unbending of the furry infant’s musical body. Yay! They drew a design for his stiff-bodied end.

The Anatomy of a Horrible Music Video

In this post, I'll be analyzing two music videos: Attack Attack's original song "Stick Stickly", and Confide's cover of "Such Great Heights", the popular song by The Postal Service. These are both bands of the post-thrash metal/crabcore genre, and they take themselves very seriously.

First video:

Attack Attack - Stick Stickly
(Link)

Looking past all of the unexplained emotional symbolism and mysterious barnyard imagery, let's analyze a few of the basic attributes of this video:

1. Power

Power is a very important thing for this band, as well as a key component of what makes this music video so legendary.

Notice how the singer's hand raises as his face reaches it's emotional peak. This is his way of increasing the power of this shot as well as letting the audience know that he's still capable of finger movement after all of his heroin abuse.

Among the extremely talented cast is this woman, who seems to be getting more and more powerful throughout the video. Notice how she moved her arms in toward her chest when she screamed after realizing what a huge mistake her multiple lip piercings were.

The final and most powerful of these images is none other than the Synchronized guitar slam:
These guys have obviously spent hours practicing their unified stage frolicking in between spooning sessions at their apartment. Their investment paid off.

2. The Keyboardist

I don't think this guy plays anything until the techno breakdown during the last 30 seconds of the song. He certainly contributes to the band by headbanging constantly though... observe:

3. The Singer (Screamer)

The main goal of any crabcore singer is to convey as much emotion as possible while saying absolutely nothing of any importance. One by-product of this goal is being extremely annoying, which this singer seems to embrace. Notice a few tools that help him to boost his annoying factor:

4. Crabcore

This band single-handedly invented an entirely new and original genre:
Crabcore.

The main characteristics of crabcore guitarists are:

-extreme squatting
-constant headbanging
-hair concealed face

This pedal is also used:

Second video:

Confide - Such Great Heights (Postal Service Cover)
(Link)

This video is brutal to the max. The brutality often increases in increments, like the type of mono-syllabic noise being emitted by the drummer's talented vocal cords:


In order to double the brutality of this indie-pop lovesong anthem, this band has a screamer who has the power to form his mouth into any shape of oval that he wants:


Finally, the band demonstrates the full potential of their mislead sexual urges by turning the inside of this industrial refrigerator into a hardcore earthquake zone: