The Eels

By Jeremy Wade Gorgeous and slippery glass monsters they are. The Eels.

With their glistening eyes of pure hatred,

They are greasy death machines.

They are icy liquid nightmares.

They are syrupy trench rapists.

They are polished and silky primordial water goddesses.

In the deep and dark crevices they seek me out and they find me. 

They strike me down in my weakest of states, soaking prostrate in the waxy oils of my forbearance. They make a fool of me with their unsafe mental powers, their unstable time travel capabilities. They are glassy and transcendent. They reach the top but continue still, their unlimited moisture abundantly flowing directly onto my face. Their minds are glazed with sexual promiscuity (sexual magic). They maintain an infinite chokehold on my psyche from which I cannot escape. I lose control of my bodily functions in their lustrous and lubricious presence. I draw near to their slimy essence. Satiny Angels. Glistening Devils. Beautiful and viscous creations abiding in the darkness. Soapy miracle in my veins, throbbing and unctuous. Their oils consume me. Steady is my gaze upon these dancing wonder worms. I anxiously await their return. My body aches for the engulfing warmth of their saccharine fluids. My mind is a cage to which their hypnotically slithering bodies are the only key. My limbs quiver in anticipation of the powers of dampness that I will be granted once they make their home within me. For I will be theirs and they will be mine. Forever.

Work-out plane 4 Emery

I care a shit ton about fitness. So, needless to say, people ask me ALL the SHIT time to fucken give them shit to do to get them assed ripped. Here is 1 such plan I given to my FRIEND: "Getting jacked is simple as shit. Over the years of becoming super ripped balls guy and having bulging biceps (by which I have sex with many ladies with my bulging penis), I have formulated 3 simple rules to become a hugatroner-sexual-mechine/lady-vigina-plower. Rule 1 DONT BE A PUSSY OR A FUCKING DUMB ASS! This is kinda of a joke but also serious. IF you want to get jacked you have to workout when you don't want to, but you also have to know when you need to rest (thus the dumbass part). So you have to be willing to push your body to the limit—and it hurts...a lot. But I usually walk away from each one of my sets with a huge raging boner, as should you. Your the parts of your brain that sense pain are right next to the parts the sense pleasure (so its science) pain can be pleasurable. But if your muscle hurt like fuck ass and your feel like actual shit—not just being a bitch ass, then rest that day. Rule 2 SLEEP A SHIT TON! I was thinking of making this one the first and most important rule but I did not because the one I put as first is the most important one, so never question anything I tell you, K? This is super fucking important so put your listening cap on....your body puts all shorts of shit into yourself that gets you jacked as fuck. Ever heard of HGH? Yeah? That the shit 90% of pro athletes take( the other 10% sit on the bench) to get strong and recover. Its illegal as shit. Your body makes that while your sleep. So sleep a lot. There is all shorts of science behind why sleep is the balls sack, but I am not going to quote it because its boring as shit. So just trust me when I tell you: SLEEP YOU BITCH ASS NIGGER. 8-10 hours. If you can...shit sleep 12 nigger. See how little Americans sleep? Yeah they are all fat asses. Rule 3 EAT A HELLA OF A LOT YOU GAY ASS WHOLE! You are trying to put on 10 pounds yeah? Do you know (you fucking ass hole) how many Calories are in a pound of fat, ah? 3,000. That right. So you have to eat 3,000 calories to gain one pound of fat...now muscle is even harder to make so imagine how many calories you have to eat... like 100,000 or more. Now don't eat shitty ass food, accept on thos cheat day tho eat all that shit nigga (which should be ones a week), but for the other days this is what your day should look like: Breakfast 6 whole eggs (dont be a bitch) 6-10oz of nuts 6 pieces of bacon And some cheese on your whole eggs Snack protein shake or bar or five Tablespoons of skippy peanut butter Lunch Salad (big ass amount man..dont be a bitch) Chicken or steak (a lot) some fruit Rice Snack Protein shake Dinner meat veggies fruit Bread Before you go to bed have some peanut butter and get up in the middle of the night and eat something too (like a protein shake or some cookies) Rule 4 LIFT SOME HEAVY ASS WEIGHT AND A SHIT TON OF LIGHTER WEIGHT! Right now your prob asking yourself, “hay, didn't chris say there was only 3 rules...???” Well you guessed wrong bitch! I do what I want. This is the final Rule. If YOU want to get big you have to lift heavy AND lift a lot of lighter weights, Bitch."(Detmering 2005)

What my friends think I do

What my parents think I do

What society thinks I do

What my boss thinks I do

What I think I do

What I really do

Blood Sphere: A Fine Dining Establishment

At Blood Sphere we transcend the very idea of food, bringing our diners to a different world entirely. Located in the back of an unstoppable freight truck circling the globe with no true destination, Blood Sphere can happen to anyone, anywhere, any time.

Deny yourself the pleasures of traditional flavors as your mind is cleansed of past, present and future experiences of inferior restaurants. Allow Blood Sphere to release the tension built deep within your soul as the courses speak to your inner being. Engage in the pagan rituals of civilizations past on your quest for true flavor... and true existence.

~Menu~

Deep Herbs with Creme - 1250

A Maori tribesman pursues you through the dark, brandishing a deadly weapon made of your own teeth. You find solace in the arms of your engorged, nubile lover. The search continues.

These rare herbs are wrapped in the skin of southeast Asian Yaks and roasted over a fire of dried refuse from the depths of the Yangtze River. Accept their sacrifice.

Berries Trampled Under Foot - 990

Embrace the ancient Aztec tradition of suckling on the aged remains of berries trampled under foot by a stampede of innocent children.

Stillborn Sheep Blood Tart - 8000

This exotic and illegal dish is composed from the remains of an infant sheep ripped from its mother’s womb, vacuum-sealed, shot into space and consumed by fire upon reentering the earth’s atmosphere.

Old Cattle - 500

The crust produced by the decrepit eye sockets of the elderly cattle is used to create a wonderfully light and sweet puree that is applied liberally to our diner’s hands, feet and nipples.

Spring Leaf Burial - 2500

You awake to the putrid smell of cloven hooves coated in a thick oaken paste. Your deceased father motions you to come closer.

For this course our expert chefs will bury you on a bed of pleasant spring leaves amidst the freeze-dried, gender-neutral entrails of our latest trappings.

Eyes - 1000

The eyes come from nowhere and are going nowhere. None can question them. Trapped in a dark room with nothing but pictures of your 11th birthday party, you are forced to reason with them nonetheless.

Nearest to the residence of the most high

1. If you could hie to Kolob
In the twinkling of an eye,
And then continue onward
With that same speed to fly,
Do you think that you could ever,
Through all eternity,
Find out the generation
Where Gods began to be?
2. Or see the grand beginning,
Where space did not extend?
Or view the last creation,
Where Gods and matter end?
Methinks the Spirit whispers,
"No man has found 'pure space,'
Nor seen the outside curtains,
Where nothing has a place."
3. The works of God continue,
And worlds and lives abound;
Improvement and progression
Have one eternal round.
There is no end to matter;
There is no end to space;
There is no end to spirit;
There is no end to race.
4. There is no end to virtue;
There is no end to might;
There is no end to wisdom;
There is no end to light.
There is no end to union;
There is no end to youth;
There is no end to priesthood;
There is no end to truth.
5. There is no end to glory;
There is no end to love;
There is no end to being;
There is no death above.
There is no end to glory;
There is no end to love;
There is no end to being;
There is no death above.

The Secret Inside Tesla Energy’s New Powerwall that Elon Musk Doesn’t Want You to Know!!! Click here to find out the surprising, disgusting, downright disturbing details!!!

“It looks like a beautiful sculpture on a wall” Musk said after debuting “the missing piece” on May 1st.  He claimed that it could transition the entire world from fossil fuel to limitless energy.  But, he didn’t say what was inside this missing piece or why it was missing for 13.8 billion years.   Yesterday, Subtitles for Movies in English was granted unprecedented access to the gigafactory, and, we’re sorry to say, it's hard to stomach.  

The gigafactory has broken the second law of thermodynamics and created the world’s first perpetual motion machine, but it’s disgusting.  Musk cryptically referred to this secret when he said of the present situation on earth, “it sucks.”  

Science said it was impossible because the universe sucks energy from every side of our feeble machines as they exist today.  However, Musk realized that there is one natural machine on earth that sucks back, and it’s this machine that tesla energy harnessed and stuck inside every single Powerwall.

Behold!

But, as the new science makes clear, one leach wasn’t enough to perpetually harness energy.   

As our diagram shows, leaches when fastened together leach off each other, infinitely producing energy. 

The only reason man hadn’t discovered this technology sooner was because it’s so disgusting.  

Elon Doesn’t mind though.

He's had enough of the this leachy universe and he is ready to suck back.  Each leach runs forever off one drop of Musk’s blood, and after the leaches are fastened together, nothing can stop them from producing pure energy forever.  

Unfortunately, this technology has spread into Tesla Motors as well.  SME recently acquired a computer rendering of the 2016 Tesla Model S, and the results are well….. disgusting.