Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
A Humble Suggestion
for J.S.
It is said that the righteousness of a nation can be judged by the manner with which it treats the weakest of its population; if that be the case, then America is truly morally bankrupt. The helpless, the most defenseless of this great nation daily perish due to our irresponsibility, and frankly, our inhumanity. As the reader has probably already guessed, the moral dilemma I refer to is the starvation of the homeless & poverty stricken in the United States. Almost 10,000 people every year die of starvation in this country alone, and if decisive action isn’t taken soon, America risks having the deaths of thousands of innocent lives on its collective conscience. That is a risk that is simply not worth taking.
A much less depressing, but a nonetheless pressing environmental issue faces our nation: dealing with the biological waste caused by abortion. As Dr. Stephen Iago plainly stated in our August ’08 interview with him, “the real problem is what to do with all the bodies. I mean with well over 40 million aborted since Roe v. Wade, we face the real practical problem of dealing with millions of corpses.” Dr. Iago, clearly stressed, went on to make a hilarious joke about the severity of the predicament: “Not to be crass, but Hitler had it easy. He only had to deal with a few million dead; we’re looking at at least ten times that number.” For years hospitals threw the fetuses in large unmarked dumpsters or stored them in basements, but the truth is that they are running out of dumpsters and basements.
The attempts to contain the waste are so inefficient that environmental groups are starting to take notice. Said one EPA representative, “the pollution is reaching the holding limit of the surrounding ecosystem. The other day I actually saw a duck with its beak stuck into a rotting fetus’s eye socket. If I hadn’t been there to free it, that bird would have died. That’s ridiculous. No animal should suffer because of human irresponsibility; I think the hospitals need to get their priorities straight.” Well said. Beyond just concern for animal rights, the pollution is starting to affect the communities nearest to the abortion clinics. People are starting to get sick – action needs to be taken.
And it is exactly that need which brings us to the thrust of this article: how both of these seemingly unrelated problems have a mutually beneficial solution. Put simply, I am suggesting that we use the meat from the aborted to feed the desperately hungry, effectively killing two birds with one stone, as it were (activists please excuse the phraseology). This solution is doubly effective. It both combats poverty and eliminates bio-waste, which is something people from any side of the political fence can agree upon.
The practical application of this modest proposal is quite simple and efficient. After abortion, the fetuses would be immediately delivered to the nearest meat packing facility to be prepared & packaged. The heads, arms, and feet would be removed and sent to different processing facilities (that will be addressed later in the article). The torso would then be gutted and cleaned, then shrink wrapped and sent to the nearest grocery store. A reasonably healthy fetus would yield approximately 4 lbs. of edible content, perfect for the modern, mid-sized family of two adults (of no specific gender) and 1.2 children. Not only can the poor rejoice, but animal rights activists are getting excited about this idea too. Sharon Gruoch, a lifetime PETA member and organization officer, said “Since it is quite clearly cruel to butcher animals for their meat, I am glad that a solution has been created that uses a source of meat that has already been butchered.” That just makes good plain sense.
But the potential of this concept doesn’t end simply at food; with some thought applied, the endless possibilities of this idea come to light. The blood from the bodies could be drained immediately after the procedure to be stored and used for vital blood transfusions. Iago seemed to echo these sentiments during our interview: “I remember one time at the end of an abortion; I dropped the fetus right after I had yanked it out. It hit the ground with quite an impact and blood just gushed all over the place. I remember all I could think was, ‘that is such a waste. That blood could be used to save people’s lives.’ Unfortunately members of my profession get so caught up in the operation we forget to think outside of the box.” It is exactly this kind of thinking that will be needed to harness the full potential of Aborted Meat Obtained for the Rescue and Advancement of Life (A.M.O.R.A.L.).
No longer will animal skins be necessary for those leather comforts we all enjoy. The skin from one fetus could be used to make at least five cell phone cases, truly a convenience you can feel good about purchasing. Properly treated, the leather could also be utilized to make Uggs for your beautiful daughter on her sweet 16th. With many fetuses, couches and furniture in all the newest fashions could be made; the soft, unborn skin would perfectly suit the interior of that new hybrid car. Dr. Theodore Sade suggests yet another use for the fetal anatomy that has an environmentally advantageous outcome: “the bones, because they are younger, are more porous and could be used in car mufflers to aid in filtering harmful carbon emissions.” This is just a possibility, but Dr. Sade is looking forward to doing more research in this area.
For college and high school students who are already busy getting abortions anyway, some of the money from the sale of the fetuses could go directly to their college tuition or fund thereby alleviating parental financial worries, getting rid of that extra mouth to feed, and giving kids a future in one decisive move. Ultimately, that is exactly what this is all about: giving our children a future, giving people hope. The profit that hospitals will garner from the sales could go to desperately needed research areas such as cures for sterility, so those families craving a young child to love can finally have their dreams come true.
I hope you will take this humble suggestion into consideration. If we, the American people, do not have the courage to take such steps toward progress, cultural stagnation will result. When I saw that America elected Barack Obama I had, for the first time, real hope for change, and this proposal is a part of that change which is so desperately needed. Under Obama’s presidency, the approval process for this proposition shouldn’t take long. Thank God America, we now have our final solution.
Alex Detmering
It is said that the righteousness of a nation can be judged by the manner with which it treats the weakest of its population; if that be the case, then America is truly morally bankrupt. The helpless, the most defenseless of this great nation daily perish due to our irresponsibility, and frankly, our inhumanity. As the reader has probably already guessed, the moral dilemma I refer to is the starvation of the homeless & poverty stricken in the United States. Almost 10,000 people every year die of starvation in this country alone, and if decisive action isn’t taken soon, America risks having the deaths of thousands of innocent lives on its collective conscience. That is a risk that is simply not worth taking.
A much less depressing, but a nonetheless pressing environmental issue faces our nation: dealing with the biological waste caused by abortion. As Dr. Stephen Iago plainly stated in our August ’08 interview with him, “the real problem is what to do with all the bodies. I mean with well over 40 million aborted since Roe v. Wade, we face the real practical problem of dealing with millions of corpses.” Dr. Iago, clearly stressed, went on to make a hilarious joke about the severity of the predicament: “Not to be crass, but Hitler had it easy. He only had to deal with a few million dead; we’re looking at at least ten times that number.” For years hospitals threw the fetuses in large unmarked dumpsters or stored them in basements, but the truth is that they are running out of dumpsters and basements.
The attempts to contain the waste are so inefficient that environmental groups are starting to take notice. Said one EPA representative, “the pollution is reaching the holding limit of the surrounding ecosystem. The other day I actually saw a duck with its beak stuck into a rotting fetus’s eye socket. If I hadn’t been there to free it, that bird would have died. That’s ridiculous. No animal should suffer because of human irresponsibility; I think the hospitals need to get their priorities straight.” Well said. Beyond just concern for animal rights, the pollution is starting to affect the communities nearest to the abortion clinics. People are starting to get sick – action needs to be taken.
And it is exactly that need which brings us to the thrust of this article: how both of these seemingly unrelated problems have a mutually beneficial solution. Put simply, I am suggesting that we use the meat from the aborted to feed the desperately hungry, effectively killing two birds with one stone, as it were (activists please excuse the phraseology). This solution is doubly effective. It both combats poverty and eliminates bio-waste, which is something people from any side of the political fence can agree upon.
The practical application of this modest proposal is quite simple and efficient. After abortion, the fetuses would be immediately delivered to the nearest meat packing facility to be prepared & packaged. The heads, arms, and feet would be removed and sent to different processing facilities (that will be addressed later in the article). The torso would then be gutted and cleaned, then shrink wrapped and sent to the nearest grocery store. A reasonably healthy fetus would yield approximately 4 lbs. of edible content, perfect for the modern, mid-sized family of two adults (of no specific gender) and 1.2 children. Not only can the poor rejoice, but animal rights activists are getting excited about this idea too. Sharon Gruoch, a lifetime PETA member and organization officer, said “Since it is quite clearly cruel to butcher animals for their meat, I am glad that a solution has been created that uses a source of meat that has already been butchered.” That just makes good plain sense.
But the potential of this concept doesn’t end simply at food; with some thought applied, the endless possibilities of this idea come to light. The blood from the bodies could be drained immediately after the procedure to be stored and used for vital blood transfusions. Iago seemed to echo these sentiments during our interview: “I remember one time at the end of an abortion; I dropped the fetus right after I had yanked it out. It hit the ground with quite an impact and blood just gushed all over the place. I remember all I could think was, ‘that is such a waste. That blood could be used to save people’s lives.’ Unfortunately members of my profession get so caught up in the operation we forget to think outside of the box.” It is exactly this kind of thinking that will be needed to harness the full potential of Aborted Meat Obtained for the Rescue and Advancement of Life (A.M.O.R.A.L.).
No longer will animal skins be necessary for those leather comforts we all enjoy. The skin from one fetus could be used to make at least five cell phone cases, truly a convenience you can feel good about purchasing. Properly treated, the leather could also be utilized to make Uggs for your beautiful daughter on her sweet 16th. With many fetuses, couches and furniture in all the newest fashions could be made; the soft, unborn skin would perfectly suit the interior of that new hybrid car. Dr. Theodore Sade suggests yet another use for the fetal anatomy that has an environmentally advantageous outcome: “the bones, because they are younger, are more porous and could be used in car mufflers to aid in filtering harmful carbon emissions.” This is just a possibility, but Dr. Sade is looking forward to doing more research in this area.
For college and high school students who are already busy getting abortions anyway, some of the money from the sale of the fetuses could go directly to their college tuition or fund thereby alleviating parental financial worries, getting rid of that extra mouth to feed, and giving kids a future in one decisive move. Ultimately, that is exactly what this is all about: giving our children a future, giving people hope. The profit that hospitals will garner from the sales could go to desperately needed research areas such as cures for sterility, so those families craving a young child to love can finally have their dreams come true.
I hope you will take this humble suggestion into consideration. If we, the American people, do not have the courage to take such steps toward progress, cultural stagnation will result. When I saw that America elected Barack Obama I had, for the first time, real hope for change, and this proposal is a part of that change which is so desperately needed. Under Obama’s presidency, the approval process for this proposition shouldn’t take long. Thank God America, we now have our final solution.
Alex Detmering
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Letters from Home Part II: Alex's Poem
I wrote this poem to Tanner; it's from the heart:
-Tanner-
Your body's ripped,
Impressive muscles.
In the cold you nipped,
My pants all bustled.
Steely, stiff gun,
OOOH! so steely.
Your job is never done,
On Michelle, all feely.
Come home soon,
My sweet....sweet baby.
Surmount thine dune, <-(sand)
And I'll call you my lady.
..Alex..
-Tanner-
Your body's ripped,
Impressive muscles.
In the cold you nipped,
My pants all bustled.
Steely, stiff gun,
OOOH! so steely.
Your job is never done,
On Michelle, all feely.
Come home soon,
My sweet....sweet baby.
Surmount thine dune, <-(sand)
And I'll call you my lady.
..Alex..
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
A Theory Concerning Communication
Communication technology has, in the past 20 years, advanced exponentially; such growth would seem to promote the improvement of the individual—a personal growth that correlates with technological advancement. But alas! Such is not the case. If anything, human intellect and capacity for lucid, cohesive thought has appeared to disintegrate as correspondence went digital. Consider this letter from a soldier in the Continental Army during Valley Forge:
“To My Dearest Helen,
I seem to have forgotten all things bright and beautiful in this place. The General has done his best to fortify our spirits, but the moral is low and men are dying every day. My leg was badly injured during the last engagement, and I cannot walk well anymore—I worry about my skill in battle. Despite all this, my heart is warmed, and my vigil renewed, when I think of the home I shall return to when all this is behind me. Outnumbered and outmatched, the rebel army to which I belong has very little hope of survival, let alone victory, but the hope for freedom which binds us is our fuel. Pray for me Helen.
Roger Fredrick Anderson”
Compare that to this “status” from facebook
When I compare the eloquent missive above to the garbled mess below I cannot help but think that one of these writers is a sentient, articulate being while the other is something else
Who knows. But I can postulate that if things keep on this way, if humanity keeps devolving, so to speak, its only a matter of time before the earth is populated by talking robots and idiotic people.
“To My Dearest Helen,
I seem to have forgotten all things bright and beautiful in this place. The General has done his best to fortify our spirits, but the moral is low and men are dying every day. My leg was badly injured during the last engagement, and I cannot walk well anymore—I worry about my skill in battle. Despite all this, my heart is warmed, and my vigil renewed, when I think of the home I shall return to when all this is behind me. Outnumbered and outmatched, the rebel army to which I belong has very little hope of survival, let alone victory, but the hope for freedom which binds us is our fuel. Pray for me Helen.
Roger Fredrick Anderson”
Compare that to this “status” from facebook
When I compare the eloquent missive above to the garbled mess below I cannot help but think that one of these writers is a sentient, articulate being while the other is something else
Who knows. But I can postulate that if things keep on this way, if humanity keeps devolving, so to speak, its only a matter of time before the earth is populated by talking robots and idiotic people.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Stuff that was invented in America other than Freedom
the swivel chair
Bifocals
the suspension bridge
The circular saw
Dental floss
the revolver
refrigeration
Morse code
the wrench
the safety pin
potato chips
condensed milk
rolled toilet paper
the can opener
the vacuum cleaner
the machine gun
four wheeled roller skates
the cowboy hat
the urinal
the motorcycle
the paper clip
barbed wire
the tape measure
the clothes hanger
chewing gum
cream cheese
the diner
jeans
earmuffs
the QWERTY keyboard
the cash register
the fountain pen
photographic film
the skyscraper
the dishwasher
the drinking straw
the revolving door
the paper towel
the stop sign
the radio
the zipper
the tractor
the mouse trap
the sport of volleyball
the comic book
cotton candy
the remote control
the flashlight
the hearing aid
the teddy bear
air conditioning
the tea bag
the crayon
the airplane
the windshield wiper
the fly swatter
the electric traffic light
the fortune cookie
the gas mask
the supermarket
the tow truck
the pop up toaster
masking tape
the drive through
the liquid-fuel rocket
the bread slicer
the jukebox
the garbage disposal
the recliner
the ice cube tray
the electric razor
freon
sunglasses
particle accelerator
the chocolate chip cookie
the electric guitar
the digital computer
fiberglass
the beach ball
nylon
Teflon
soft serve ice cream
deodorant
acrylic fiber
the corn dog
Napalm
the microwave oven
the mobile phone
supersonic aircraft
hair spray
cat litter
the video game
the flying disc
radiocarbon dating
the credit card
the disposable diaper
the cooler
the golf cart
the barcode
automatic sliding doors
nuclear submarine
the hard disk drive
the videotape
the laser
air-bubble packing
carbon fiber
spandex
the gas laser
the communications satellite
the light-emitting diode (LED)
the computer mouse
the sport of snowboarding
Kevlar
the space pen
the compact disc
Random access memory(RAM)
the airbag
the hand-held calculator
the taser
E-Mail
the Heimlich maneuver
the post-it note
the digital camera
Ethernet
the spreadsheet
inline skates
the space shuttle
paintball
the Internet
Bifocals
the suspension bridge
The circular saw
Dental floss
the revolver
refrigeration
Morse code
the wrench
the safety pin
potato chips
condensed milk
rolled toilet paper
the can opener
the vacuum cleaner
the machine gun
four wheeled roller skates
the cowboy hat
the urinal
the motorcycle
the paper clip
barbed wire
the tape measure
the clothes hanger
chewing gum
cream cheese
the diner
jeans
earmuffs
the QWERTY keyboard
the cash register
the fountain pen
photographic film
the skyscraper
the dishwasher
the drinking straw
the revolving door
the paper towel
the stop sign
the radio
the zipper
the tractor
the mouse trap
the sport of volleyball
the comic book
cotton candy
the remote control
the flashlight
the hearing aid
the teddy bear
air conditioning
the tea bag
the crayon
the airplane
the windshield wiper
the fly swatter
the electric traffic light
the fortune cookie
the gas mask
the supermarket
the tow truck
the pop up toaster
masking tape
the drive through
the liquid-fuel rocket
the bread slicer
the jukebox
the garbage disposal
the recliner
the ice cube tray
the electric razor
freon
sunglasses
particle accelerator
the chocolate chip cookie
the electric guitar
the digital computer
fiberglass
the beach ball
nylon
Teflon
soft serve ice cream
deodorant
acrylic fiber
the corn dog
Napalm
the microwave oven
the mobile phone
supersonic aircraft
hair spray
cat litter
the video game
the flying disc
radiocarbon dating
the credit card
the disposable diaper
the cooler
the golf cart
the barcode
automatic sliding doors
nuclear submarine
the hard disk drive
the videotape
the laser
air-bubble packing
carbon fiber
spandex
the gas laser
the communications satellite
the light-emitting diode (LED)
the computer mouse
the sport of snowboarding
Kevlar
the space pen
the compact disc
Random access memory(RAM)
the airbag
the hand-held calculator
the taser
the Heimlich maneuver
the post-it note
the digital camera
Ethernet
the spreadsheet
inline skates
the space shuttle
paintball
the Internet
Monday, March 8, 2010
The self-destruction of indie culture
(The local underground venue, a place of solace for real indie folks.)The problem is as follows, an individual makes him/herself indie in order to breakaway from the societal norms they see everyone else as being bound to. As society continues to progress more and more, people find themselves stuck in the restrictions of society, and this in turn leads to more and more conversions to indie. As this occurs we can begin to see how a cyclical self-destruction of indieness is inevitable. The folks who are veterans at being indie start to become disgusted by how many people there are just like them. In an effort to maintain their individuality they are forced to break out again.
(These guys used to be indie, but refused to be societies bitch.)
(These guys used to be indie, but refused to be societies bitch.)In the end, the indie scenester has reverted to the pop-punk kid or hippy jam-band junkie that he used to scoff at. After many people go through this cycle, and perhaps a few repeat cycles, the purpose of being indie has been completely diminished along with any evidence of what the culture once was.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
How to Fake Being Intelligent: An Easy to Use Guide in 5 steps!
#1: Dress the part.
Take your average pseudo-intellectual.
For the most part, he’s clean cut. Suit coats are a must. If not, wear a polo—preferably black. As the saying goes, clothes make the man; if intelligence is what you want to project, dress like you’re intelligent. Unkempt hair can give the appearance of an eccentric genius, but if you want the more dapper approach, go for the comb over: it makes you look like you graduated from somewhere important.
#2: Master the Art of Facial Condescension
Appearing intelligent is all about subtle arrogance. The chief technique in the pseudo-intellectuals utility belt is his facial gestures. Take, for example, this regular guy. He has a kind, welcoming expression:
Look, he seems likeable. Like you could talk to him without hesitation or frustration
Now our would-be genius, on the other hand, projects grave incredulity with his raised brow and near-frown:
The point here is to make sure the onlooker is intimidated by your doubtful expression. As much as possible, close your eyes when you talk. Nothing makes you look smarter than closed eyes and smooth rhetoric. Like a baboon in mating season, you want to show your dominance through exaggerated body language. Such posturing will help ensure actual debate never takes place—but if such a challenge is forced on you, step 3 of the process will aid in your victory
#3. Learn a lot of Obscure Jargon
The knowledge of a few obscure words will go a long way in winning a debate:
If your opponent can’t understand you, then there is no way he can argue against you. Additionally, if your audience is not very well educated, you are almost guaranteed to appear to be brilliant (if your audience is well educated, then get the hell out of there). Here are a few words to master:
Inference
Tautology
Discourse
Ergo
Ubiquitous
Altruistic
Consequently
Erudition
Pedagogy
Binaries
Rhetoric
Dystopian
Incontrovertibly
Esoteric
Vernacular
After you have fortified your vocabulary with such verbal ammunition, victory in almost any debate is all but guaranteed.
#4. “Read,” “Watch,” and “Listen to” the best of the arts
Your favorite book is Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon, whom you love. You’re “engaged by his creative use of narrative obfuscation”
Your favorite movie is “A Clockwork Orange” by Stanley Kubrick whose “riveting use of shocking cinematic flare makes an indelible statement about societal justice”
Your favorite band is Radiohead, or Brian Wilson.
#5. When talking on the internet, make ambiguous, overly-referential snarky remarks (And Always use Word to check your stuff).
Make sure to make your opinion known about everything anyone says…and make your opinion really smart-sounding.
Regular comment:
Blaa—it’s misspelled and encouraging; what a bunch of crap.
New comment (Now with more condescension!):
Perfect! It indicates that you were already aware of the fad far before the other person, and you mock him for his “poor” taste in music. Great one-two punch!
With these quick and easy steps, even you can sound smarter than you actually are!
Take your average pseudo-intellectual.
For the most part, he’s clean cut. Suit coats are a must. If not, wear a polo—preferably black. As the saying goes, clothes make the man; if intelligence is what you want to project, dress like you’re intelligent. Unkempt hair can give the appearance of an eccentric genius, but if you want the more dapper approach, go for the comb over: it makes you look like you graduated from somewhere important.
#2: Master the Art of Facial Condescension
Appearing intelligent is all about subtle arrogance. The chief technique in the pseudo-intellectuals utility belt is his facial gestures. Take, for example, this regular guy. He has a kind, welcoming expression:
Look, he seems likeable. Like you could talk to him without hesitation or frustration
Now our would-be genius, on the other hand, projects grave incredulity with his raised brow and near-frown:
The point here is to make sure the onlooker is intimidated by your doubtful expression. As much as possible, close your eyes when you talk. Nothing makes you look smarter than closed eyes and smooth rhetoric. Like a baboon in mating season, you want to show your dominance through exaggerated body language. Such posturing will help ensure actual debate never takes place—but if such a challenge is forced on you, step 3 of the process will aid in your victory
#3. Learn a lot of Obscure Jargon
The knowledge of a few obscure words will go a long way in winning a debate:
If your opponent can’t understand you, then there is no way he can argue against you. Additionally, if your audience is not very well educated, you are almost guaranteed to appear to be brilliant (if your audience is well educated, then get the hell out of there). Here are a few words to master:
Inference
Tautology
Discourse
Ergo
Ubiquitous
Altruistic
Consequently
Erudition
Pedagogy
Binaries
Rhetoric
Dystopian
Incontrovertibly
Esoteric
Vernacular
After you have fortified your vocabulary with such verbal ammunition, victory in almost any debate is all but guaranteed.
#4. “Read,” “Watch,” and “Listen to” the best of the arts
Your favorite book is Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon, whom you love. You’re “engaged by his creative use of narrative obfuscation”
Your favorite movie is “A Clockwork Orange” by Stanley Kubrick whose “riveting use of shocking cinematic flare makes an indelible statement about societal justice”
Your favorite band is Radiohead, or Brian Wilson.
#5. When talking on the internet, make ambiguous, overly-referential snarky remarks (And Always use Word to check your stuff).
Make sure to make your opinion known about everything anyone says…and make your opinion really smart-sounding.
Regular comment:
Blaa—it’s misspelled and encouraging; what a bunch of crap.
New comment (Now with more condescension!):
Perfect! It indicates that you were already aware of the fad far before the other person, and you mock him for his “poor” taste in music. Great one-two punch!
With these quick and easy steps, even you can sound smarter than you actually are!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
How To: Go Crazy
While listening to this song,
repeatedly zoom in and out on each of these images:
Warm up the mind for crazy
"Go....Deeper"
Accept the Kung Fu Treachery
repeatedly zoom in and out on each of these images:
Warm up the mind for crazy
"Go....Deeper"
Accept the Kung Fu Treachery
Monday, March 1, 2010
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