We at the institute for mental disease prevention and treatment have stumbled on a most disturbing development in today’s youth and young adults: the bropidemic. Our preliminary research has indicated that a large part of this demographic has contracted the very serious illness known as Brosteoporosis. It seems that the common theme among those affected is a great affinity for flat billed hats and Affliction t-shirts. These types of apparel seem to transfer the ailment directly into the wearer’s body through the process of Brosmosis, and the effect is dramatic:
Normal Red Blood Cell:
Red Blood Cell within 12 hrs of infection:
That same Red Blood Cell, one week after infection:
Even more frightening are the affects it has on the Brain:
Normal Brain:
That same brain, 12 hours after infection:
One week after infection:
Obviously, the consequences of this disease are too terrible to imagine.
Apparently, immediately after the victim contracts brosteoporosis, the centers of the brain responsible for language and communication come under attack. The vocabulary is the first aspect of language to suffer. Upon infection all multisyllabic words leave speech, leaving the victim with a lexicon limited to: beer, boobs, bush, f***, s***, f***s*** (said as a single syllable), damn, b****, ho, slut skank, pong (associated only with beer), weed, and the statement “s*** she’s underage.”
Fortunately, the symptoms for brosteoporosis are obvious, but can be confused with the symptoms commonly linked to severe brain damage. If you believe that you are infected, use this as a litmus test to determine whether further action need be taken.
1. Have you recently:
A. gotten a tattoo in either old English or some Asian language you don’t understand. If so, did this tattoo mean: honor, brotherhood, love, courage, strength, fertility, or sweeta** slam pieces?
B. Decided that Michael Bay was America’s (if not the World’s) premiere film maker and that Bad Boys II the greatest film.
C. Gotten a hair cut like this:
D. Impulse bought thousands of dollars worth of creatine, protein shakes or horse testosterone?
E. Tanned? Like everyday?
F. Started listening to: Linkin Park, Soulja Boy, Breaking Benjamin, Three Days Grace or John Mayer?
G. Started watching UFC, PrideFC, TUF, EliteXC, IFL, and begun to talk about “good” and “bad” techniques which you have no prior knowledge of. Furthermore, do you plan to “start doing MMA after I get done with _____”?
H. Bought a gym membership, an iPod with arm strap, and begun walking around the gyms during afternoons in swishy shorts and wife beater discussing workout routines you do not do or know nothing about?
If so, go Immediately to your nearest hospital for treatment (though as of right now, there is none).
Concern has been on the rise to deal with this major problem. Several solutions have been proposed to thwart the growing threat the disease presents. The most logical and reasonable of which is as follows: to build a gigantic Buffalo Wild Wings rigged from top to bottom with plastic explosives.
To then advertise a given night a UFC fight night/ Three Doors Down/Dave Matthews Band entertainment extravaganza. When all the infected have filled the building to capacity, the building will be locked down and the explosives immediately detonated.
As the flames surrounding Buffalo Wild Wings Burn into the night, at least we’ll know that the world is free.
(Above) Children are taken to mock house parties where they are fed a steady supply of Bud Light. Some children must have diluted Bud Light (with water, juicy-juice, or kool-aid) at the beginning of the semester, but the teachers help them acquire the taste by reducing the amount of non-beer product in their cups throughout the semester.
(Above) Children are taught to ask for more, as they cannot reach the bottles on a regular table nor open them.
(Actual Mizzou student)
